Wow, I didn't realize just how long it's been AGAIN since I've written anything. So much has changed, yet stayed the same. The kids have grown by leaps and bounds. Our oldest has moved on, moved out and is going to school away from home. When you live your life for your babies and they grow up and move out, it's really bittersweet. I'm happy to see where her life takes her, but honestly wish choices were a bit different. You have to live and let live. Make mistakes and let them fall sometimes.  We had my "other" daughter here with us for almost 2 years, but she wanted to go back to Southern CA and live with her Aunt. Still trying to adjust to that, even though it's been 5 months, we really miss her. Our now 12, 10 & 4 year old's are adjusting to life as a family of 5 versus a family of 6 and 7.  I think it has been hardest on the little guy, our 4 year old. He is soooo attached to his "Britt Britt" and then became very close with his "Dnana". To have both sisters leave within a few month period, he doesn't get it. Life has to move on and we have to adjust. To him he feels abandoned, I can hear it in his voice and see it in his little face. It's been getting easier, but still sad when he talks to them. The girls, they like having their own rooms, and it's been an easier transition, however, they still miss their older sisters too.  This picture was taken at Christmas time (2013) when Brittany came home for the holidays. Only one missing is Deanna. Our puzzle is missing a piece, but she is always in our hearts.

Danny and I are still in a loving, committed marriage. I can't believe we are coming up on our 11th wedding anniversary, but 14th "together" anniversary. Things aren't always easy, but with commitment, work and dedication, we are setting an example for our kids. Too many people give up on their marriages these days, I want to be like my great grandparents who were married over 60 years. I love my husband, he supports me, irritates me, makes me laugh, makes me mad, makes me cry at times (both good and out of frustration) cheers me on and has come so far in the years we've been together. I wouldn't know what to do without him, our family or our life.

Life for me has changed drastically as well. I no longer am the 300+ pound mom that sits around doing nothing all day. I have lost 136 pounds, thanks to Gastric Bypass Surgery. Think what you will, it was a life saving choice that was made. I had sleep apnea, high blood pressure (with medication), 2 pts. away from being classified as diabetic. I was knocking on deaths door more or less and today, I am 166 lbs, no more medications except for my migraine meds, which, unfortunately, will probably be for life. I also take vitamins, and a couple supplements, but was doing that prior to surgery so it's not a big deal. I am taking online classes (only because as a stay at home mom, I don't wish to leave my kids at daycare, so if I can do online so be it). I will finish my schooling with my Bachelor's degree in Health Care Administration, and a second degree as a Medical Social Worker. This should be completed shortly before our son enters 1st grade which means I will be able to work while he is in school and still be home when my kids are home. Planned out great and sticking to a goal. My proud moment was when I finished my first 2 classes with an A and an A-. It was such an accomplishment to see those grades and know "I DID IT!"....

Last but not least, I have to say, I am sooooo proud of our Denver Broncos, making it to the Super Bowl..Here's to a GREAT team and a great season. Win Lose or Tie.... Orange Crush, Broncos United!

Pink

Man oh man, I can't believe I've been so busy that an entire year and 22 days has passed since I've even written anything! Whooooa! Life is busy, but good! A year ago, my last post was about being thankful. Here I sit again, thankful for everything I wrote last year and so much more! I also sit with a heart full of Faith. Faith that my husbands Aunt, no...my Aunt, will be healed completely of her breast cancer once her surgery is complete and all is said and done!

Let me just say, Michele, you mean the world to us. I honor my Aunt Barb through you, as I promise to do everything in my power to support you, help you and be here for you...before, during and after your surgery.  I know you are worried, anxious and scared. Please know many are praying for you, let our care, concern, faith, and love carry you until you are strong enough to carry yourself again. The Lord has brought you this far, through so many trials and tribulations, never leaving your side and continueing to shower you with his love. He has walked you through some very tough times, to show you a positive side on the other side. Your daughter, grandkids, great grandson, nephew, great neices and great nephew, and so many friends near and far that over the years have made you smile, brought you joy and made you laugh! (The broom!)...lol....We are all here, cheering you on as you kick this diseases ass! Just saying! Now, dry up your tears and "fight like a girl"....I will be wearing pink in support of you and in honor of honor of my Aunt Barb. Two amazing, loving women, who I am proud to call family and love with all my heart!

The Lord has been speaking to my heart ALOT the last couple days, I keep hearing a couple different scriptures, one that is on repeat : Do not fear, I am with you, Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...Isaiah 41:10

Thankfulness.....

So, the end of the year is fast approaching and Thanksgiving is "Right....Around....The....Corner..  In my mind, I have so much to say, so much to talk about....just so much.....so bare with me please...lol

First off, I am so very thankful for my family, my husband who goes to work every single day, even when he is sick, or achey or just wanting to stay home. He never complains about it, he just does it. He may not make a ton, but he provides. We can now count on him to be the man who takes care of his family, puts a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, we have heat for the cold and enjoy the air in the heat while he is busting his rear sweating and dehydrating, all for us. Because of his hard work, our bills are paid, we live in a decent home, with nice furniture, a great backyard for our kids to be kids and play...we have a home to call home... To say he has come far is an understatement. I love him to the moon and back and thank God for him!

I am so very thankful for my kids. The love I feel for you is something that is so undescribable, so deep and so filled with emotion, there are not enough words to express! Until you are a parent, you will never know this type of love. And I pray you feel it as I have been blessed to do in a different way with each of you! Brittany, you were the 1st, the one that was my "trial and error" baby. You love me even through the mistakes I have made while raising you. You were my first heartfelt blessing that I can ever remember feeling this overwhelming gut wrenching love for. You gave me a reason to wake up, a reason to want more in life, a reason to make you do different than I did! For that I am thankful...
Dominique, you are my smiley, want to do everything for everybody baby. You always want to make everyone around you feel loved. You are also my "testing" child...testing my patience and making sure I pass each and every time. My child that needs her mommy as much as mommy needs her! Always waking up each morning with a smile, those sparkly blue eyes and a snuggle...For that I am thankful!  Mariah, my brown eyed girl...my little mousey baby, that I wasn't sure would live to be here when an emergency c/section was needed because the cord was around your neck. My baby that is name Mariah Grace, meaning "Bittersweet" and "Of God"...I thought you were my last, I thought I was done...you make me smile with your sweetness, your heart of gold and your love for life! You have taught me how to take time to see even the smallest of good in a bad situation. Your love for animals is amazing and alittle nutty at times, but that is what makes you who you are and for that, I am thankful!  Elijah, my sonny bunny boy. My spoiled but not rotten, much wanted, much loved and so very easy little guy. You are my last biological child. You have given me a new meaning of life. Of all of my babies, you were my surprise, not only from the beginning, but to finding out we weren't having "another" girl, but an actual boy. You know, the opposite sex, which has a penis, that likes to play with trucks, cars, action figures, not dolls, makeup and princess castles! lol....You have taught me that life has come a long way from a couple years ago. You have brought a new meaning to the word love, in the same sense as your sisters, but in a different way as well. You are mommies baby boy, my everything. I love that I am able to stay home with you everyday and watch you grow, play, learn....For that, I am thankful!  Deanna Marie, you may share the same daddy as your siblings, and have a different mom, but young lady, I love you to my inner soul as well! The times you are here, making our home feel complete, seeing your beautiful sun shiney face, hearing you laugh, sharing good times and being able to enjoy the small amounts of time we are blessed with are not only important, but such a blessing. You have a way of making us smile, making us laugh and "Guadalupe Lopez Munoz, with chonklas, eating queso and drinking leche...dos chocolates...muy bien"....OMGosh I don't think I ever laughed that hard...and I know you know, if you ever read this, what that means! lol...Just know I love you and feel blessed to have you part of my life, and for that I am thankful!

I am also beyond thankful for my family that has known me my entire life, you all have been my strength when I needed it, my encouragement when I needed it, my up when I was down! Every family has it's times, and...we all have issues, but we love eachother and forgive...move on and continue to be family. To have my Mom, who I never have to pay to do my hair (lol, thanks mommy!) but really, you have been here in so many ways, so even when I don't say it, I love you and am thankful for you. My Dad and Mom2, you both have been a blessing to us as well. I can never count the ways, times or have the words to say thank you for being who you are! And for you as well, with miles between us, I don't always get to tell you, but I love you and am thankful for you both! I am blessed and thankful to have a healthy relationship with my own sister. One of the very few people I call when I REALLY need to talk to someone, one of the very few people who I can have "inside" jokes with that no matter what the situation, we both can LOL every single time....I love you and am so thankful the Lord gave me you as a sister, we may be so different in so many ways, but we are so alike in many others! I am thankful for my brother in law Brian for the 20 years he has put up with us as a family (HEHEHE), the providing he does for his own, from maturing from a boy to a man..and yet still being able to joke about "Ghetto and Trailer"....So very thankful I am here to watch my niece finish school, go off to college, my nephews grow, learn, see the young men they are growing to be, the priviliage of watching one of my nephews come into this world was one to mark as one of my greatest memories! For that memory, even though Milkdud is almost 3, I am thankful.....I am thankful for my own little brother, though I don't see him too much, I know he loves me in his own way, and I love you too Mr. Magoo! To my extended family, my husbands family....Who would have thought we would have ended up family huh? You have shown me another type of family love. Your selflishness, giving and love for others first is out of this world. When life has been hard, no matter what is going on in your own life, you still are wearing neon standing out, bright as the sun shining, willing to help. Tia Michele, in all of the time I have known you, you radiate love for family. Your grandkids, your daughter, son in law, your brother, who I know is missed so very much. Your love for Danny, for my kids, for me...For that I am thankful! For Danny's sisters, Carolyn and her family, his sister Tina, you have allowed us to be part of your life, to watch you grow as beautiful women of God. To watch families blossom and live through the life of another college student....The beauty you both and your families hold inside and out, are so special...For all of you, mine, his, ours, combined, I am thankful beyond measure!

To all of our friends, and those maybe not mentioned. You are all part of....part of our lives, part of our thoughts, part of our prayers. You may not be mentioned in black and white on a silly blog, but you are thought of. You are loved and cared about. You know, some friends I may not talk to for a very long time, maybe years, but the moment we catch up, it's like life never passed us by and time stood still. Some friends, maybe new friends..we have  just hit it off from the start....It doesn't matter, everyone of you are included! I am thankful for my family and friends, without you, I wouldn't be me, I wouldn't have the ability to love, feel, care....For that I am thankful.  I just wanted to tell you all before I got to old to remember who you were....or for that fact, who I am...and that's it is because of you that I am me! xoxo

18 years....19 days....

In 19 days, my baby girl will be turning 18. I sit and look at these beautiful pictures of her life wondering "where has time gone?" I remember this day like it was yesterday, after being in labor for 50 hours, feeling every stinking contraction, my water FINALLY broke. I was told by a friend to "wait" to go because they would make you lay in bed and be stuck...ha ha...hey, it was my 1st labor and delivery, I didn't know (now I'm a seasoned pro and no, they don't make you just lay there!)....I was pretty much a single mom at this point, however I did have the support of my family. So, I woke my sister up, who was staying with me, I walked up to the front house and told my grandma my water broke, with each step, sloshing and gushing, contractions coming faster and faster. Everyone scrambling like mad men to get me 5 minutes away to the hospital. I still laugh when I think of how my Grandma drove. She reminded me of a husband on a commercial. She ran the red light, flew over the bump in the road...It was kinda funny...but not when your contractions are a minute apart....

So I am admitted into the hospital, my grandma had work so she had to drop me off...it's OK..lol..my sister shows up, she had called my mom, then my dad and mom2. I'm not sure if she called my 2 friends Crystal and Sarah or if I did, but they were there also. I screamed, begged for an epidural. I said things I seriously could be considered a mad woman for if I wasn't in labor! I told my parents to "F" off, I screamed at my sister not to touch me....I told the nurse get her "f''n" hands off me" and I said I didn't want to do this...My contractions weren't a minute apart, they were like as one was coming down, the next was starting....no epidural, it wasn't even 2 hours since my water broke...I had to push....I was scared to death....But I learned very quickly if I push with each contraction, the pain was "a bit" more manageable....

Ahhhh 2:22 am, on September 13, 1993...what was supposed to be my son, was my beautiful baby girls first breath. Yes, you read right. I was one of "those" cases of the ultrasound being wrong. My baby shower was primary colors, clothes were for a boy, even the car seat had dinosaurs on it...but I remember my mom blurting out "Oh my God, it's a girl" but as soon as I layed my eyes on my DAUGHTER, I forgot about all the boy stuff. All I could see was this little girl, this blessing I was being trusted with from our Father God.  He trusted me enough to have the title of "MOM". I remember pictures being taken, flashes going off, the Dr. holding her up....and the most overwhelming feeling of LOVE I have ever felt in my life coming over me.

To watch this little bundle grow up has been more of a blessing than I could have ever thought possible. That overwhelming feeling I felt that first instant of seeing her beautiful face has grown so much more that it's not even describable! I know I have not been the perfect mom, as I know there is no such thing. I know many mistakes have been made, sometimes I was mean, sometimes I am strict, sometimes she down right hates me. But I do know that my love for my baby has never wavered, never changed. I would die to give life to her. It gets harder the older she gets, honestly. I want to keep her small, keep her my baby, keep her where I can control and monitor and watch her activities. But the time has come where she is turning 18 in just 19 days. A legal adult. Now, don't get me wrong, if she's in my home, she's pretty much turning another year older. She still has rules, still my baby and I will always give my opinion and hope she takes it into consideration. I just don't want her to "grow up" anymore. The last 18 years have been more than a few words can describe Brittany KayAnn. They have been a learning experience, they have given me the ability to feel a deep love that only a mother can feel, they have shown me the true definition of "blessing", they have given me strength when I felt weak, so that I can be here for you and your siblings! I love you my baby girl, you have given me joy, happiness and a deep love I will always cherish and you will always be my "Boogie" girl!

The sound of calm

Just thought I'd pop on for a second, it's been well over a month since I've jotted anything down and life seems to get away far to quick. As I sit here with baby boy sleeping, the kids at school for another 20 minutes, the sliding door cracked open and the cool breeze chilling my feet as it swooshes past me from the kitchen on through the living room out the front door, I listen to the birds chirping, the leaves blowing in the wind and just get lost in thought. I say thank you to our Heavenly Father, for without him, nothing would even matter. The beautiful little boy snoring away on my bed, my loud and sometimes obnoxious kids who will be barrelling through the door ready to run out into their back yard to play tether ball as soon as they get home, the green grass, the many trees in our yard, the blue jay I see sitting on our fence....none of it....It's all through the Lords blessings I can see, hear, and enjoy those things.

Yesterday, I had such a different perspective. I received some not so good news on what was supposed to be a oxygen study I did last week. What started out as a suggestion as an RX for oxygen for migraines, has turned into much more. The test has shown I stop breathing during my sleep, my heart is acting up and I need more than just oxygen for migraines....I went on the Internet and read up on "sleep apnea" and OMGoodness, I should never have done that....Of course I was scared to death. I don't want to die, I have kids, a husband, a niece, nephews, sisters, brothers, moms, dad, grandma...yada yada....you get it.....I can't go in my sleep.....plus, I am only going to be 40, sheesh, it's barely the new 30.....I am young....Yes, it scared me that bad. I was thinking it was like last night I was a goner!

I have to say, I love my fb family and friends, of course, like most, I shared this yesterday and had some of the most wonderful feedback, support and comments. I knew I wasn't alone, but what I didn't know is how common it really is. Not that it is glorified or anything. Far from it, but a few of my friends actually know how I feel and what I am experiencing. Not that I would wish anything on anyone, but I certainly am glad to know I am not alone and that there is hope and a way to feel better! I don't really care if I have to wear a mask, look scary, ugly or whatever, as long as I feel better. For a few years I have constantly been tired. Everyone around me, I know, gets sick of hearing it.....I can't help it, it's honestly how I feel. Now I know why...I don't sleep....at least not restful.....so there it is, one light at the end of a dark tunnel...an answer finally marked off that has taken so long to diagnose.....but, a diagnoses just the same!!

So, this morning I woke, feeling more positive. After all, I did see another day, hear my kids laughter again, see my sons smiling face and gap tooth grin, hear the birds chirping, the wind blowing and see how green our back yard is (and not to mention, how much yard work my husband has waiting for him this weekend! heeheehee).....Peace out...Have a blessed day!

Life, death & judging....

The last couple weeks, I have to admit, I have obsessed and prayed they would find 4 year old Juliani Cardenas alive. His mothers ex-boyfriend (who she is 8 months pregnant by), ripped him out of his grandmothers arms Jan. 18 and took him, yes, kidnapped him. A farm worker came forward the next day and said he saw a car matching the suspects vehicle go into the canal the night before (about 45 min after he took Juliani)...Dive crews and sherriffs officials searched the canal off and on for 10 days, pulling out many cars, all proving to be stolen, until they found "the" car they were looking for. When they pulled it out, there wasn't anyone inside, however the windows were down. Sadly, yesterday, February 1, 2011, an irrigation worker, 31 miles from where the farm worker said he saw the car go into the canal and where the little boy was kidnapped, found the body of a 4 year old boy matching the description of Juliani, wearing the same clothing and shoes as he was. They are doing DNA testing for obvious reasons (being in water 2 weeks).

Hearing this news, my heart mourns for the mother, who is pretty much due any day. The news showed a paramedic parked in the driveway of her home, "just in case" she went into labor because of the stress. What should be a joyous time, a time to celebrate, will now be a time to mourn and miss her son. I am kind of OCD. Meaning If I am interested in something, or something catches my attention, I will surf the web and read all I can about it til nothing new surfaces. As I said from the beginning, I have obsessed over Juliani, praying they would be able to find him and bring him home. One site I found, sadly, mentioned Jose's abusive behaviors and drug addictions. Many people were giving there opinions and expressing their condolences and such. I know everyone has their own opinions, everyone is entitled to their own, that is what makes us unique. I understand much more than the average person because I have been on both sides of the fence per say...You see, I have been on the side to say "how in the hell can you allow someone to control you" or "how can you be so stupid to allow him to treat you that way".....or, even "I would neverrrrrrrr"....come on, bull shit...straight out....UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN IN THEIR SITUATION, DO. NOT. JUDGE!!! I have been on the other side of the fence myself after being one to try to judge, the Lord allowed me to see a not so pretty sight. Not only did I start to use drugs (and am proud to say I have 8 years clean), but I also have been in a volitile relationship. Black eyes, concussions, lots of domestic violence. Once you get "sucked in" it is not something that is easy to get out of. They come back and are remorseful, telling you "sorry", being "nice" and then the cycle starts all over again....You "fall" for the "nice" person....and wish "evil" on the bad. Before you know it, years have passed and you are one of the ones being judged. You are one that everyone looks at and shakes their heads at, you are one that people talk behind your back about. You are one that people whisper about "that's the one who likes to be beat, I mean if she didn't why wouldn't she leave"....Like I said, I've been on both sides, I'm not talking out of my ass.....This brings me back to Tabitha Cardenas....the mother of Juliani Cardenas, many people have expressed how she allowed the monster Jose (her ex boyfriend) to be in her life, I mean, she is pregnant with his daughter, she allowed him around her son....she got what she deserved....How heartless can someone be to even say that.....I guess someone who has lived a perfect life and someone who has only lived on one side of the fence....the side where the grass is always greener right? I've expressed in a prior post how my story is not typical, if your interested, you can go read it, I can't give false hope that they will change, but I thank the Lord that my husband did change. When the story broke about Juliani being found, I thought about how many times that could have been us with anyone of our kids.....just a few years ago.....Thank you Jesus for giving your life, for dying on the cross to give us salvation and cleansing us of our sins....You know, yes, I call Jose a monster, I think he is...but at the same time, I feel bad for him. I can only hope his eternal resting spot is comfy...I can not judge him in that way, that is only for the creator to do....I feel for his family, who I am sure never imagined this happening. He leaves beind family and friends who mourn him for his good side also. He also leaves an unborn daughter, who no matter what act her father has done, or what his criminal record has on it, it is still her father. Her flesh and blood. She will always wonder who he was, what he was like, would he have changed, could she have changed him, would she have been "daddy's girl".....Even Tabitha herself, mourning her own flesh, her precious son Juliani, she will mourn for the "good" Jose. The Jose that she fell in love with. The Jose she created her daughter with. She will think about the good times, which will quickly fade into bitterness, but she will think about him.

So, next time you think of judging someone, try to think "what if it was you"....In the matter of an instant your life can change drastically, sometimes, it's a birth, sometimes it's a death, sometimes it's meeting someone....it's a split second chance or fate that changes your life forever.....I can say my grass had weeds on both sides of the fence.....I have removed that fence because I have lived on both sides.......

Moving on.....

Wow, it's been awhile since I've shared anything. I don't even know where to begin. Actually, I should be unpacking all these boxes sitting in my new kitchen, but eh, that can wait, they aren't going anywhere, neither am I....Let's see, Well, obviously, "unpacking" yes, we have finally moved....for 4 years we have lived in a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment. It was hard, but we did it, as the girls got older, having only 1 bathroom really became a challenge, luckily, their bedroom was rather larger so the 3 of them fit, with the exception of the mess from the 2 little ones....Then, our sweet Lijah boy came along...with. all. his. toys.....trucks, cars, balls....and we outgrew our apartment....the ever so tiny kitchen became the devils den when it was time to cook. Momma became the angry evil witch just stepping into the kitchen. I mean seriously, I could touch the stove with one had and reach across and touch the sink, and even stick out my pudgy and stubby leg and touch the kitchen table or fridge.....it was that. small! I despised stepping foot in there and everyone knew it. Dinner time became a battle ground, the weekends became a battle ground. I began using the crockpot more and more just so I wouldn't have to stand in there and cook. Not to mention, the stove was unbalanced and not matter how many times we balanced it, it leaned back and well....I am not even going there....we are done with that disgusting, yucky apartment!! Yay!! Now we have a nice house, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms (2 toilets...OMG where have they been all my life???)....lol....a 2 car garage with get this....our very own washer and dryer, no more paying to wash our clothes, yeeeehawwww!!!! Hahaha....my kitchen is atleast 3-4 times bigger, there is no way even if I was 6 feet tall I could touch the sink and my kitchen table or fridge at the same time (laughing out loud for real!).....Brittany finally has her own room, we told her Elijah would share a room with her, but no, it was just to "get at her". Didn't work, she didn't care one bit, as long as she doesn't have to share with Dominique or Mariah! She even said Deanna can share with her when she comes to visit! Wow, impressive! She will let her brother sleep in there on the weekends or when there is no school (score for us! Mommy gets to sleep!!)....Nique and Riah will be learning a hard lesson I do believe, they are pack rats. I threatend to put only their mattresses on the floor, no more, no less. No TV, no cable, nothing else....if they don't keep their room cleaned...we've been here 4 days and it's a joke already...Danny thought I complained to much at the apartment, that is until he moved us.....he finally admitted to me that he now understands my frustrations and can see how I can cry over the mess. It was absolutely ridiculous, disgusting and gross....constant keeping up on them didn't seem to matter. I am open for suggestions and advice from anyone who has been through this....please!! lol......As for our bedroom....O.M.G...glorious......we have sooo much more room! Walk in closet, I have a cute little built in vanity to put my perfumes out and actually display them (Ed Hardy, Oui, Dolce & Gabana..you know, the expensive stuff you aren't embarrassed to show!).....we have so much room now it looks empty. The kids say it looks like a hotel room....hmmm....Guess I need to decorate it and make it look homey...All of us are looking forward to entertaining our friends, the girls have already asked when they can have their friends over for sleepovers, parties and whatnots....we are looking forward to bbq's with family and friends. Just to see the smiles on our babies faces when we are together is wonderful. They are happy as well to be out of there. Even the baby, he is full of squeals and squawks, as he runs down the hall knocking on each door. We have been blessed beyond anything I could ever have imagined, this kinda "fell" into our laps and I thank our Father for his gift of a much wanted prayer answered!!

I have something else I wish to write about, but I think I am going to separate the posts. So for now I am going to end this post and start my next. It is tugging at my heart and I need to get it out before time escapes me and before I know it the kids are due home....Be blessed!!