Wow, where do I even begin. It feels like forever since I've even jotted down anything other than a grocery list or "to-do" list. Life feels like it's just flying by, not even giving me a chance to catch my breath, let alone take anything in. My oldest Brittany just turned 17....next stop, adulthood. I wonder constantly what her life will be like, so far, she has been a great kid, no drugs, alcohol, nothing like I was. THANK GOD!! But I wonder if I've done "enough"....Have I taught her enough to sustain herself as an adult or if anything ever happend to me? Enough to live, enough to be strong....just ENOUGH.....I look at my younger kids, Dominique turning 9, Mariah 7...my baby girls, they are growing so fast and all of them are such blessings! My little man, about to turn 1 in just 3 weeks. Now that is enough to make me cry! It's so bittersweet watching this little gift from God. Never did I think I would have my son, never did I realize how much I wanted a son and never did I feel more blessed than I do having a son. I look at him, his handsome little face, his gorgeous blue eyes, the blond spikey hair....I just love everything about his little man. The chubby little feet, the silly games he likes to play, the big space between his top 2 teeth.....I could go on and on and on....I wish I could hold time still and go back 17 years...9 years....7 years and stay where we are now....to have all my babies still be babies....just past the up at night stage, but still small enough to see the wonder and amazement on their little faces when they see something new and interesting or the excitement when they hear my voice....I love these kids so much, you know, that "so much" feeling when you loose your breath and you can feel it in the pit of your stomach? Yah, that much!
I'm still going through some medical issues, waiting for the neurologist to get me in. Honestly, I am scared to death. Almost a year ago, I had several cat scans and an MRI with contrast, they thought I had either an aneurysm or a brain tumor because I had what they called "a blown pupil", my right eye was bugged out and droopy (look up horners syndrome, that's what I looked like, but that was ruled out as well)...I had no blue round my right eye at all, it was black and one huge pupil! I spent 3 days in the hospital with a team of 8 doctors and not one could figure out what was wrong with me after the above mentioned was ruled out. I just wish they would say "ok ....blah blah blah...is what you have and this is the plan to manage the pain".....everything is on the right side of my head, the eye pressure and head pain is not a normal migraine or headache, it feels like I have an ice pick stabbing the crap out of the pupil from behind. The side of my nose is pretty much numb and goes up my cheek. My nose is so stuffy and hurts so bad it's ridiculous. I've been on so many medicines it's sickening. I don't want to be on meds, not if they don't know what's wrong. What if they are giving me crap that is doing more harm than good? I've been on dilantin to relax the nerves, neurontin, vicoden, percocet, oxycotin.....now I'm just taking ibuprofen because I don't want the narcotics. I don't think they understand I can not take those meds, I need to be coherent & able to take care of my kids. I am not a drug addict who has to have them....I will deal with the pain when I have to and if it gets to bad, then I will go to the ER (usually the pain is worse when it's time to go to bed, that's why I say ER). I can only pray and hope that whatever is going on is not terminal. I am so terrified.......My Aunt passed from a brain tumor, my other Aunt (her sister) passed from what started as breast cancer and spread to the brain.....I've been dealing with this pain off and on for almost 6 years, but the last year it doesn't seem to want to go away....(the pupil incident was just last year, but it still gets a bit larger than the left side at times). They have said it was everything from migraines to facial nerve damage. Who knows, but I do hope the Dr. can get me in real soon!
Well, the computer seems to want to keep freezing so I am going to end and take it as a sign that it's time to go to sleep..... I will update more later....sweet dreams and good night.....God bless!
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