The sound of calm

Just thought I'd pop on for a second, it's been well over a month since I've jotted anything down and life seems to get away far to quick. As I sit here with baby boy sleeping, the kids at school for another 20 minutes, the sliding door cracked open and the cool breeze chilling my feet as it swooshes past me from the kitchen on through the living room out the front door, I listen to the birds chirping, the leaves blowing in the wind and just get lost in thought. I say thank you to our Heavenly Father, for without him, nothing would even matter. The beautiful little boy snoring away on my bed, my loud and sometimes obnoxious kids who will be barrelling through the door ready to run out into their back yard to play tether ball as soon as they get home, the green grass, the many trees in our yard, the blue jay I see sitting on our fence....none of it....It's all through the Lords blessings I can see, hear, and enjoy those things.

Yesterday, I had such a different perspective. I received some not so good news on what was supposed to be a oxygen study I did last week. What started out as a suggestion as an RX for oxygen for migraines, has turned into much more. The test has shown I stop breathing during my sleep, my heart is acting up and I need more than just oxygen for migraines....I went on the Internet and read up on "sleep apnea" and OMGoodness, I should never have done that....Of course I was scared to death. I don't want to die, I have kids, a husband, a niece, nephews, sisters, brothers, moms, dad, grandma...yada yada....you get it.....I can't go in my sleep.....plus, I am only going to be 40, sheesh, it's barely the new 30.....I am young....Yes, it scared me that bad. I was thinking it was like last night I was a goner!

I have to say, I love my fb family and friends, of course, like most, I shared this yesterday and had some of the most wonderful feedback, support and comments. I knew I wasn't alone, but what I didn't know is how common it really is. Not that it is glorified or anything. Far from it, but a few of my friends actually know how I feel and what I am experiencing. Not that I would wish anything on anyone, but I certainly am glad to know I am not alone and that there is hope and a way to feel better! I don't really care if I have to wear a mask, look scary, ugly or whatever, as long as I feel better. For a few years I have constantly been tired. Everyone around me, I know, gets sick of hearing it.....I can't help it, it's honestly how I feel. Now I know why...I don't sleep....at least not restful.....so there it is, one light at the end of a dark tunnel...an answer finally marked off that has taken so long to diagnose.....but, a diagnoses just the same!!

So, this morning I woke, feeling more positive. After all, I did see another day, hear my kids laughter again, see my sons smiling face and gap tooth grin, hear the birds chirping, the wind blowing and see how green our back yard is (and not to mention, how much yard work my husband has waiting for him this weekend! heeheehee).....Peace out...Have a blessed day!

Life, death & judging....

The last couple weeks, I have to admit, I have obsessed and prayed they would find 4 year old Juliani Cardenas alive. His mothers ex-boyfriend (who she is 8 months pregnant by), ripped him out of his grandmothers arms Jan. 18 and took him, yes, kidnapped him. A farm worker came forward the next day and said he saw a car matching the suspects vehicle go into the canal the night before (about 45 min after he took Juliani)...Dive crews and sherriffs officials searched the canal off and on for 10 days, pulling out many cars, all proving to be stolen, until they found "the" car they were looking for. When they pulled it out, there wasn't anyone inside, however the windows were down. Sadly, yesterday, February 1, 2011, an irrigation worker, 31 miles from where the farm worker said he saw the car go into the canal and where the little boy was kidnapped, found the body of a 4 year old boy matching the description of Juliani, wearing the same clothing and shoes as he was. They are doing DNA testing for obvious reasons (being in water 2 weeks).

Hearing this news, my heart mourns for the mother, who is pretty much due any day. The news showed a paramedic parked in the driveway of her home, "just in case" she went into labor because of the stress. What should be a joyous time, a time to celebrate, will now be a time to mourn and miss her son. I am kind of OCD. Meaning If I am interested in something, or something catches my attention, I will surf the web and read all I can about it til nothing new surfaces. As I said from the beginning, I have obsessed over Juliani, praying they would be able to find him and bring him home. One site I found, sadly, mentioned Jose's abusive behaviors and drug addictions. Many people were giving there opinions and expressing their condolences and such. I know everyone has their own opinions, everyone is entitled to their own, that is what makes us unique. I understand much more than the average person because I have been on both sides of the fence per say...You see, I have been on the side to say "how in the hell can you allow someone to control you" or "how can you be so stupid to allow him to treat you that way".....or, even "I would neverrrrrrrr"....come on, bull shit...straight out....UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN IN THEIR SITUATION, DO. NOT. JUDGE!!! I have been on the other side of the fence myself after being one to try to judge, the Lord allowed me to see a not so pretty sight. Not only did I start to use drugs (and am proud to say I have 8 years clean), but I also have been in a volitile relationship. Black eyes, concussions, lots of domestic violence. Once you get "sucked in" it is not something that is easy to get out of. They come back and are remorseful, telling you "sorry", being "nice" and then the cycle starts all over again....You "fall" for the "nice" person....and wish "evil" on the bad. Before you know it, years have passed and you are one of the ones being judged. You are one that everyone looks at and shakes their heads at, you are one that people talk behind your back about. You are one that people whisper about "that's the one who likes to be beat, I mean if she didn't why wouldn't she leave"....Like I said, I've been on both sides, I'm not talking out of my ass.....This brings me back to Tabitha Cardenas....the mother of Juliani Cardenas, many people have expressed how she allowed the monster Jose (her ex boyfriend) to be in her life, I mean, she is pregnant with his daughter, she allowed him around her son....she got what she deserved....How heartless can someone be to even say that.....I guess someone who has lived a perfect life and someone who has only lived on one side of the fence....the side where the grass is always greener right? I've expressed in a prior post how my story is not typical, if your interested, you can go read it, I can't give false hope that they will change, but I thank the Lord that my husband did change. When the story broke about Juliani being found, I thought about how many times that could have been us with anyone of our kids.....just a few years ago.....Thank you Jesus for giving your life, for dying on the cross to give us salvation and cleansing us of our sins....You know, yes, I call Jose a monster, I think he is...but at the same time, I feel bad for him. I can only hope his eternal resting spot is comfy...I can not judge him in that way, that is only for the creator to do....I feel for his family, who I am sure never imagined this happening. He leaves beind family and friends who mourn him for his good side also. He also leaves an unborn daughter, who no matter what act her father has done, or what his criminal record has on it, it is still her father. Her flesh and blood. She will always wonder who he was, what he was like, would he have changed, could she have changed him, would she have been "daddy's girl".....Even Tabitha herself, mourning her own flesh, her precious son Juliani, she will mourn for the "good" Jose. The Jose that she fell in love with. The Jose she created her daughter with. She will think about the good times, which will quickly fade into bitterness, but she will think about him.

So, next time you think of judging someone, try to think "what if it was you"....In the matter of an instant your life can change drastically, sometimes, it's a birth, sometimes it's a death, sometimes it's meeting someone....it's a split second chance or fate that changes your life forever.....I can say my grass had weeds on both sides of the fence.....I have removed that fence because I have lived on both sides.......

Moving on.....

Wow, it's been awhile since I've shared anything. I don't even know where to begin. Actually, I should be unpacking all these boxes sitting in my new kitchen, but eh, that can wait, they aren't going anywhere, neither am I....Let's see, Well, obviously, "unpacking" yes, we have finally moved....for 4 years we have lived in a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment. It was hard, but we did it, as the girls got older, having only 1 bathroom really became a challenge, luckily, their bedroom was rather larger so the 3 of them fit, with the exception of the mess from the 2 little ones....Then, our sweet Lijah boy came along...with. all. his. toys.....trucks, cars, balls....and we outgrew our apartment....the ever so tiny kitchen became the devils den when it was time to cook. Momma became the angry evil witch just stepping into the kitchen. I mean seriously, I could touch the stove with one had and reach across and touch the sink, and even stick out my pudgy and stubby leg and touch the kitchen table or fridge.....it was that. small! I despised stepping foot in there and everyone knew it. Dinner time became a battle ground, the weekends became a battle ground. I began using the crockpot more and more just so I wouldn't have to stand in there and cook. Not to mention, the stove was unbalanced and not matter how many times we balanced it, it leaned back and well....I am not even going there....we are done with that disgusting, yucky apartment!! Yay!! Now we have a nice house, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms (2 toilets...OMG where have they been all my life???)....lol....a 2 car garage with get this....our very own washer and dryer, no more paying to wash our clothes, yeeeehawwww!!!! Hahaha....my kitchen is atleast 3-4 times bigger, there is no way even if I was 6 feet tall I could touch the sink and my kitchen table or fridge at the same time (laughing out loud for real!).....Brittany finally has her own room, we told her Elijah would share a room with her, but no, it was just to "get at her". Didn't work, she didn't care one bit, as long as she doesn't have to share with Dominique or Mariah! She even said Deanna can share with her when she comes to visit! Wow, impressive! She will let her brother sleep in there on the weekends or when there is no school (score for us! Mommy gets to sleep!!)....Nique and Riah will be learning a hard lesson I do believe, they are pack rats. I threatend to put only their mattresses on the floor, no more, no less. No TV, no cable, nothing else....if they don't keep their room cleaned...we've been here 4 days and it's a joke already...Danny thought I complained to much at the apartment, that is until he moved us.....he finally admitted to me that he now understands my frustrations and can see how I can cry over the mess. It was absolutely ridiculous, disgusting and gross....constant keeping up on them didn't seem to matter. I am open for suggestions and advice from anyone who has been through this....please!! lol......As for our bedroom....O.M.G...glorious......we have sooo much more room! Walk in closet, I have a cute little built in vanity to put my perfumes out and actually display them (Ed Hardy, Oui, Dolce & Gabana..you know, the expensive stuff you aren't embarrassed to show!).....we have so much room now it looks empty. The kids say it looks like a hotel room....hmmm....Guess I need to decorate it and make it look homey...All of us are looking forward to entertaining our friends, the girls have already asked when they can have their friends over for sleepovers, parties and whatnots....we are looking forward to bbq's with family and friends. Just to see the smiles on our babies faces when we are together is wonderful. They are happy as well to be out of there. Even the baby, he is full of squeals and squawks, as he runs down the hall knocking on each door. We have been blessed beyond anything I could ever have imagined, this kinda "fell" into our laps and I thank our Father for his gift of a much wanted prayer answered!!

I have something else I wish to write about, but I think I am going to separate the posts. So for now I am going to end this post and start my next. It is tugging at my heart and I need to get it out before time escapes me and before I know it the kids are due home....Be blessed!!

Happy 1st Birthday Son!

Dear Elijah, I just wanted to take a moment and tell you what a joy it is to be your mommy.  Not a day goes by that I don't tell the Lord thank you for blessing our lives with you, nor do I ever NOT tell you a million (well, probably more..hehehe) times a day how much I love you. Just a year ago, you came into this big crazy world weighing 6lb. 12 oz.....a little guy....but big personality! You have shown us as a family, what true love and happiness is. Not only am I madly in love with you, daddy, your sisters, everyone around loves you so very much! Your bright blue eyes sparkle with love and amazement in everything you do. My little man, Aunt KiKi posted this on my facebook, it couldn't be more true......"Happy Birfday to you too sis. You finally got your birthday wish after all these years. lol.".....I wanted you for soooo long and now your here, I am over the moon and cherishing every day I am here to watch you grow and learn!  xoxo Love Mommy

My son, no words to express the love I feel

"love" is not enough,

my heart overflows with so many feelings, watching you grow

watching you learn and become a little person of your own.

The Lord, blessed my life by allowing me to be your mommy....

I can only hope that as you grow and mature, you follow Gods word and become a man of God.

Not letting the worldly influences obstruct your visions, passions and morals.

You've only just celebrated your very 1st birthday, and I feel like your ready to move out..lol, I know, I've got a ways to go on that, but my heart is not ready to let you grow up yet. I love you Lijah Boy........

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY!!

Giving thanks to Jesus!! Today is a great day!!

Just wanted to publicly give praise to God for letting today be a good day. I have faith I will continue this day without the horrendous facial pain I have been feeling non-stop for I don't even know how long! This scripture fits so well into how I am feeling today, so much that I literally feel the Holy Spirit with me, the warmth, the love, the caring and compassion from my father......Praise the Lord, oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is GOOD, for his mercy endures forever, who can utter the mighty acts of the LORD? Who can declare his praise? Psalms 106:1-2

It's not always, I admit outright, that I worship the way I should. It's not always I act like I should....but I do know the how's and whys of doing so in the Lord....Today is one of the days I just feel the need to be vocal, sing, worship, dance for our creator...to let Jesus know I love and appreciate his sacrifice, the pain I feel is nothing to what he had to endure and yet he did it for me...Praise you father......Thank you for your son, for your faithfulness, for your promise and your allowing me to be who I am and still love me regardless of anything I have ever done or ever will do!

May your day be full of God's blessings.......

Randomness....

Just sitting here on the computer while little man sleeps (have I mentioned lately how much I totally LOVE and ADORE him??.....Well, I do!!!)...But I'm just sitting here, looking outside at the beautiful sky. Partial clouds, breezy, the feeling of Fall in the air. I absolutely love Fall. Not the hot heat of summer, but not the cold of winter either. This is going to be a great season, I have my girls who are already talking about their upcoming birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas....and I have my son who will drive us nuts trying to take the ornaments off the tree, yet bring us that joy that is undescribable when he sees the lights of the holiday light up that same tree!  This year we will start teaching Elijah the meaning of Christmas, and the Holy Spirit will fill our home and as we celebrate this holy day (holi-day..get it?). Along with teaching all of our kids of the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of our Lord, we will also give them the childish joys of Santa. Santa will visit our home, bringing gifts to our blessings for being good through out the year. I do not find harm in letting them have the imagination of Santa, as long as they do understand we celebrate for Jesus...which, so far 3 of 4 (because he is so little) do understand. When asked why we celebrate Christmas, they will all tell you "it's Jesus' birthday"....and we always start our morning, before anything, saying a family prayer, and telling God thank you for his son, for the birth of the best gift of all! For without that gift, I don't even want to imagine how life would be. 

I have to "LOL" or laugh out loud as I type this out. My mind is racing, from one subject to another, not sure where I am going with any of this post...Hence the subject "Randomness"....hahaha....darn, today is one of those days, I have so much to do, but would rather be lazy and do nothing. However, it's one of those days that I HAVE to do a few things, man oh man, even Lijah boy is sleeping and being lazy....oh well, maybe tomorrow??

I look around our apartment, anxious....I am so ready to move into a house and know I have to be patient..what's that saying "good things come to those who wait?"....I'm waiting, I sure hope it's good...I am ready to have a normal size kitchen, an extra bathroom...oh boy, the bathroom alone would be amazing....lol....to take a bath without each one of the kids coming in because I've been in the bath too long...and of course, they need to use it....I'll be able to tell them to "go use the other bathroom"....to have an extra bedroom....Britt needs a room to call her own, well, kind of, Lijah will be with us for awhile, but when it's time to transition him into a big boy bed, he will probably share with sissy Nini (Brittany)....if she's still living here...she might leave at 18...or she might be with us til she's 30....I definately would not make her share with the messiness of Dominique or Mariah....OMG, love my kids, but these 2 are messy. EVERYDAY of their little lives, they've been told "put it away"...meaning whatever it was they were using or playing with, put it away when your done, or when you pull something out of your drawer and decide you don't want to wear it, put it back!!....that's almost 7 & 9 years of saying it....they still haven't gotten it....Sometimes, I seriously think they will grow up being like the people on the show "Hoarders"...dear God, please no.....I know I can't say much, if you ask my mom, she'll say my sister and I were the exact same way. I can honestly remember sharing a room with my sister and having to spend the entire day cleaning because we had it so messy, both Christy and I sitting there crying because we had no idea where to start in the ugliness of that mess. I can remember my mom yelling at us out of shear frustration....hmmm....the saying "you reap what you sow" comes to mind as I'm typing this out...not funny...Don't get me wrong, the picture above is not a constant or permanent way I allow them to live. Many times, they have priviliages taken away until their messes are cleaned up. It's up to them how long they want to go without TV, being able to play outside, color, play school....and I don't allow it more than 2 days....but I do understand that frustration my own mom expressed, I too can now say I understand....Well, the time has come to get off this computer and get things done....hey, dishes are all done, bottles soaking, laundry going...but I do need to dust, vacumm and run those errands....Ya know, I am so thankful for being able to come on and read old posts, especially when I am not having too good of a day....A few of them are gentle reminders of different stuff and I can always find the "one" post that changes my mood!  Until the next post, which will probably be later today (I'm just in one of those writing moods), have a blessed day!

Feels like forever.....

Wow, where do I even begin. It feels like forever since I've even jotted down anything other than a grocery list or "to-do" list. Life feels like it's just flying by, not even giving me a chance to catch my breath, let alone take anything in. My oldest Brittany just turned 17....next stop, adulthood. I wonder constantly what her life will be like, so far, she has been a great kid, no drugs, alcohol, nothing like I was. THANK GOD!!  But I wonder if I've done "enough"....Have I taught her enough to sustain herself as an adult or if anything ever happend to me? Enough to live, enough to be strong....just ENOUGH.....I look at my younger kids, Dominique turning 9, Mariah 7...my baby girls, they are growing so fast and all of them are such blessings! My little man, about to turn 1 in just 3 weeks. Now that is enough to make me cry! It's so bittersweet watching this little gift from God. Never did I think I would have my son, never did I realize how much I wanted a son and never did I feel more blessed than I do having a son.  I look at him, his handsome little face, his gorgeous blue eyes, the blond spikey hair....I just love everything about his little man. The chubby little feet, the silly games he likes to play, the big space between his top 2 teeth.....I could go on and on and on....I wish I could hold time still and go back 17 years...9 years....7 years and stay where we are now....to have all my babies still be babies....just past the up at night stage, but still small enough to see the wonder and amazement on their little faces when they see something new and interesting or the excitement when they hear my voice....I love these kids so much, you know, that "so much" feeling when you loose your breath and you can feel it in the pit of your stomach? Yah, that much!

I'm still going through some medical issues, waiting for the neurologist to get me in. Honestly, I am scared to death. Almost a year ago, I had several cat scans and an MRI with contrast, they thought I had either an aneurysm or a brain tumor because I had what they called "a blown pupil", my right eye was bugged out and droopy (look up horners syndrome, that's what I looked like, but that was ruled out as well)...I had no blue round my right eye at all, it was black and one huge pupil! I spent 3 days in the hospital with a team of 8 doctors and not one could figure out what was wrong with me after the above mentioned  was ruled out. I just wish they would say "ok ....blah blah blah...is what you have and this is the plan to manage the pain".....everything is on the right side of my head, the eye pressure and head pain is not a normal migraine or headache, it feels like I have an ice pick stabbing the crap out of the pupil from behind. The side of my nose is pretty much numb and goes up my cheek. My nose is so stuffy and hurts so bad it's ridiculous.  I've been on so many medicines it's sickening. I don't want to be on meds, not if they don't know what's wrong. What if they are giving me crap that is doing more harm than good? I've been on dilantin to relax the nerves, neurontin, vicoden, percocet, oxycotin.....now I'm just taking ibuprofen because I don't want the narcotics. I don't think they understand I can not take those meds, I need to be coherent & able to take care of my kids. I am not a drug addict who has to have them....I will deal with the pain when I have to and if it gets to bad, then I will go to the ER (usually the pain is worse when it's time to go to bed, that's why I say ER). I can only pray and hope that whatever is going on is not terminal. I am so terrified.......My Aunt passed from a brain tumor, my other Aunt (her sister) passed from what started as breast cancer and spread to the brain.....I've been dealing with this pain off and on for almost 6 years, but the last year it doesn't seem to want to go away....(the pupil incident was just last year, but it still gets a bit larger than the left side at times).  They have said it was everything from migraines to facial nerve damage. Who knows, but I do hope the Dr. can get me in real soon!

Well, the computer seems to want to keep freezing so I am going to end and take it as a sign that it's time to go to sleep..... I will update more later....sweet dreams and good night.....God bless!