Wow, I didn't realize just how long it's been AGAIN since I've written anything. So much has changed, yet stayed the same. The kids have grown by leaps and bounds. Our oldest has moved on, moved out and is going to school away from home. When you live your life for your babies and they grow up and move out, it's really bittersweet. I'm happy to see where her life takes her, but honestly wish choices were a bit different. You have to live and let live. Make mistakes and let them fall sometimes.  We had my "other" daughter here with us for almost 2 years, but she wanted to go back to Southern CA and live with her Aunt. Still trying to adjust to that, even though it's been 5 months, we really miss her. Our now 12, 10 & 4 year old's are adjusting to life as a family of 5 versus a family of 6 and 7.  I think it has been hardest on the little guy, our 4 year old. He is soooo attached to his "Britt Britt" and then became very close with his "Dnana". To have both sisters leave within a few month period, he doesn't get it. Life has to move on and we have to adjust. To him he feels abandoned, I can hear it in his voice and see it in his little face. It's been getting easier, but still sad when he talks to them. The girls, they like having their own rooms, and it's been an easier transition, however, they still miss their older sisters too.  This picture was taken at Christmas time (2013) when Brittany came home for the holidays. Only one missing is Deanna. Our puzzle is missing a piece, but she is always in our hearts.

Danny and I are still in a loving, committed marriage. I can't believe we are coming up on our 11th wedding anniversary, but 14th "together" anniversary. Things aren't always easy, but with commitment, work and dedication, we are setting an example for our kids. Too many people give up on their marriages these days, I want to be like my great grandparents who were married over 60 years. I love my husband, he supports me, irritates me, makes me laugh, makes me mad, makes me cry at times (both good and out of frustration) cheers me on and has come so far in the years we've been together. I wouldn't know what to do without him, our family or our life.

Life for me has changed drastically as well. I no longer am the 300+ pound mom that sits around doing nothing all day. I have lost 136 pounds, thanks to Gastric Bypass Surgery. Think what you will, it was a life saving choice that was made. I had sleep apnea, high blood pressure (with medication), 2 pts. away from being classified as diabetic. I was knocking on deaths door more or less and today, I am 166 lbs, no more medications except for my migraine meds, which, unfortunately, will probably be for life. I also take vitamins, and a couple supplements, but was doing that prior to surgery so it's not a big deal. I am taking online classes (only because as a stay at home mom, I don't wish to leave my kids at daycare, so if I can do online so be it). I will finish my schooling with my Bachelor's degree in Health Care Administration, and a second degree as a Medical Social Worker. This should be completed shortly before our son enters 1st grade which means I will be able to work while he is in school and still be home when my kids are home. Planned out great and sticking to a goal. My proud moment was when I finished my first 2 classes with an A and an A-. It was such an accomplishment to see those grades and know "I DID IT!"....

Last but not least, I have to say, I am sooooo proud of our Denver Broncos, making it to the Super Bowl..Here's to a GREAT team and a great season. Win Lose or Tie.... Orange Crush, Broncos United!

Pink

Man oh man, I can't believe I've been so busy that an entire year and 22 days has passed since I've even written anything! Whooooa! Life is busy, but good! A year ago, my last post was about being thankful. Here I sit again, thankful for everything I wrote last year and so much more! I also sit with a heart full of Faith. Faith that my husbands Aunt, no...my Aunt, will be healed completely of her breast cancer once her surgery is complete and all is said and done!

Let me just say, Michele, you mean the world to us. I honor my Aunt Barb through you, as I promise to do everything in my power to support you, help you and be here for you...before, during and after your surgery.  I know you are worried, anxious and scared. Please know many are praying for you, let our care, concern, faith, and love carry you until you are strong enough to carry yourself again. The Lord has brought you this far, through so many trials and tribulations, never leaving your side and continueing to shower you with his love. He has walked you through some very tough times, to show you a positive side on the other side. Your daughter, grandkids, great grandson, nephew, great neices and great nephew, and so many friends near and far that over the years have made you smile, brought you joy and made you laugh! (The broom!)...lol....We are all here, cheering you on as you kick this diseases ass! Just saying! Now, dry up your tears and "fight like a girl"....I will be wearing pink in support of you and in honor of honor of my Aunt Barb. Two amazing, loving women, who I am proud to call family and love with all my heart!

The Lord has been speaking to my heart ALOT the last couple days, I keep hearing a couple different scriptures, one that is on repeat : Do not fear, I am with you, Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...Isaiah 41:10

Thankfulness.....

So, the end of the year is fast approaching and Thanksgiving is "Right....Around....The....Corner..  In my mind, I have so much to say, so much to talk about....just so much.....so bare with me please...lol

First off, I am so very thankful for my family, my husband who goes to work every single day, even when he is sick, or achey or just wanting to stay home. He never complains about it, he just does it. He may not make a ton, but he provides. We can now count on him to be the man who takes care of his family, puts a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, we have heat for the cold and enjoy the air in the heat while he is busting his rear sweating and dehydrating, all for us. Because of his hard work, our bills are paid, we live in a decent home, with nice furniture, a great backyard for our kids to be kids and play...we have a home to call home... To say he has come far is an understatement. I love him to the moon and back and thank God for him!

I am so very thankful for my kids. The love I feel for you is something that is so undescribable, so deep and so filled with emotion, there are not enough words to express! Until you are a parent, you will never know this type of love. And I pray you feel it as I have been blessed to do in a different way with each of you! Brittany, you were the 1st, the one that was my "trial and error" baby. You love me even through the mistakes I have made while raising you. You were my first heartfelt blessing that I can ever remember feeling this overwhelming gut wrenching love for. You gave me a reason to wake up, a reason to want more in life, a reason to make you do different than I did! For that I am thankful...
Dominique, you are my smiley, want to do everything for everybody baby. You always want to make everyone around you feel loved. You are also my "testing" child...testing my patience and making sure I pass each and every time. My child that needs her mommy as much as mommy needs her! Always waking up each morning with a smile, those sparkly blue eyes and a snuggle...For that I am thankful!  Mariah, my brown eyed girl...my little mousey baby, that I wasn't sure would live to be here when an emergency c/section was needed because the cord was around your neck. My baby that is name Mariah Grace, meaning "Bittersweet" and "Of God"...I thought you were my last, I thought I was done...you make me smile with your sweetness, your heart of gold and your love for life! You have taught me how to take time to see even the smallest of good in a bad situation. Your love for animals is amazing and alittle nutty at times, but that is what makes you who you are and for that, I am thankful!  Elijah, my sonny bunny boy. My spoiled but not rotten, much wanted, much loved and so very easy little guy. You are my last biological child. You have given me a new meaning of life. Of all of my babies, you were my surprise, not only from the beginning, but to finding out we weren't having "another" girl, but an actual boy. You know, the opposite sex, which has a penis, that likes to play with trucks, cars, action figures, not dolls, makeup and princess castles! lol....You have taught me that life has come a long way from a couple years ago. You have brought a new meaning to the word love, in the same sense as your sisters, but in a different way as well. You are mommies baby boy, my everything. I love that I am able to stay home with you everyday and watch you grow, play, learn....For that, I am thankful!  Deanna Marie, you may share the same daddy as your siblings, and have a different mom, but young lady, I love you to my inner soul as well! The times you are here, making our home feel complete, seeing your beautiful sun shiney face, hearing you laugh, sharing good times and being able to enjoy the small amounts of time we are blessed with are not only important, but such a blessing. You have a way of making us smile, making us laugh and "Guadalupe Lopez Munoz, with chonklas, eating queso and drinking leche...dos chocolates...muy bien"....OMGosh I don't think I ever laughed that hard...and I know you know, if you ever read this, what that means! lol...Just know I love you and feel blessed to have you part of my life, and for that I am thankful!

I am also beyond thankful for my family that has known me my entire life, you all have been my strength when I needed it, my encouragement when I needed it, my up when I was down! Every family has it's times, and...we all have issues, but we love eachother and forgive...move on and continue to be family. To have my Mom, who I never have to pay to do my hair (lol, thanks mommy!) but really, you have been here in so many ways, so even when I don't say it, I love you and am thankful for you. My Dad and Mom2, you both have been a blessing to us as well. I can never count the ways, times or have the words to say thank you for being who you are! And for you as well, with miles between us, I don't always get to tell you, but I love you and am thankful for you both! I am blessed and thankful to have a healthy relationship with my own sister. One of the very few people I call when I REALLY need to talk to someone, one of the very few people who I can have "inside" jokes with that no matter what the situation, we both can LOL every single time....I love you and am so thankful the Lord gave me you as a sister, we may be so different in so many ways, but we are so alike in many others! I am thankful for my brother in law Brian for the 20 years he has put up with us as a family (HEHEHE), the providing he does for his own, from maturing from a boy to a man..and yet still being able to joke about "Ghetto and Trailer"....So very thankful I am here to watch my niece finish school, go off to college, my nephews grow, learn, see the young men they are growing to be, the priviliage of watching one of my nephews come into this world was one to mark as one of my greatest memories! For that memory, even though Milkdud is almost 3, I am thankful.....I am thankful for my own little brother, though I don't see him too much, I know he loves me in his own way, and I love you too Mr. Magoo! To my extended family, my husbands family....Who would have thought we would have ended up family huh? You have shown me another type of family love. Your selflishness, giving and love for others first is out of this world. When life has been hard, no matter what is going on in your own life, you still are wearing neon standing out, bright as the sun shining, willing to help. Tia Michele, in all of the time I have known you, you radiate love for family. Your grandkids, your daughter, son in law, your brother, who I know is missed so very much. Your love for Danny, for my kids, for me...For that I am thankful! For Danny's sisters, Carolyn and her family, his sister Tina, you have allowed us to be part of your life, to watch you grow as beautiful women of God. To watch families blossom and live through the life of another college student....The beauty you both and your families hold inside and out, are so special...For all of you, mine, his, ours, combined, I am thankful beyond measure!

To all of our friends, and those maybe not mentioned. You are all part of....part of our lives, part of our thoughts, part of our prayers. You may not be mentioned in black and white on a silly blog, but you are thought of. You are loved and cared about. You know, some friends I may not talk to for a very long time, maybe years, but the moment we catch up, it's like life never passed us by and time stood still. Some friends, maybe new friends..we have  just hit it off from the start....It doesn't matter, everyone of you are included! I am thankful for my family and friends, without you, I wouldn't be me, I wouldn't have the ability to love, feel, care....For that I am thankful.  I just wanted to tell you all before I got to old to remember who you were....or for that fact, who I am...and that's it is because of you that I am me! xoxo

18 years....19 days....

In 19 days, my baby girl will be turning 18. I sit and look at these beautiful pictures of her life wondering "where has time gone?" I remember this day like it was yesterday, after being in labor for 50 hours, feeling every stinking contraction, my water FINALLY broke. I was told by a friend to "wait" to go because they would make you lay in bed and be stuck...ha ha...hey, it was my 1st labor and delivery, I didn't know (now I'm a seasoned pro and no, they don't make you just lay there!)....I was pretty much a single mom at this point, however I did have the support of my family. So, I woke my sister up, who was staying with me, I walked up to the front house and told my grandma my water broke, with each step, sloshing and gushing, contractions coming faster and faster. Everyone scrambling like mad men to get me 5 minutes away to the hospital. I still laugh when I think of how my Grandma drove. She reminded me of a husband on a commercial. She ran the red light, flew over the bump in the road...It was kinda funny...but not when your contractions are a minute apart....

So I am admitted into the hospital, my grandma had work so she had to drop me off...it's OK..lol..my sister shows up, she had called my mom, then my dad and mom2. I'm not sure if she called my 2 friends Crystal and Sarah or if I did, but they were there also. I screamed, begged for an epidural. I said things I seriously could be considered a mad woman for if I wasn't in labor! I told my parents to "F" off, I screamed at my sister not to touch me....I told the nurse get her "f''n" hands off me" and I said I didn't want to do this...My contractions weren't a minute apart, they were like as one was coming down, the next was starting....no epidural, it wasn't even 2 hours since my water broke...I had to push....I was scared to death....But I learned very quickly if I push with each contraction, the pain was "a bit" more manageable....

Ahhhh 2:22 am, on September 13, 1993...what was supposed to be my son, was my beautiful baby girls first breath. Yes, you read right. I was one of "those" cases of the ultrasound being wrong. My baby shower was primary colors, clothes were for a boy, even the car seat had dinosaurs on it...but I remember my mom blurting out "Oh my God, it's a girl" but as soon as I layed my eyes on my DAUGHTER, I forgot about all the boy stuff. All I could see was this little girl, this blessing I was being trusted with from our Father God.  He trusted me enough to have the title of "MOM". I remember pictures being taken, flashes going off, the Dr. holding her up....and the most overwhelming feeling of LOVE I have ever felt in my life coming over me.

To watch this little bundle grow up has been more of a blessing than I could have ever thought possible. That overwhelming feeling I felt that first instant of seeing her beautiful face has grown so much more that it's not even describable! I know I have not been the perfect mom, as I know there is no such thing. I know many mistakes have been made, sometimes I was mean, sometimes I am strict, sometimes she down right hates me. But I do know that my love for my baby has never wavered, never changed. I would die to give life to her. It gets harder the older she gets, honestly. I want to keep her small, keep her my baby, keep her where I can control and monitor and watch her activities. But the time has come where she is turning 18 in just 19 days. A legal adult. Now, don't get me wrong, if she's in my home, she's pretty much turning another year older. She still has rules, still my baby and I will always give my opinion and hope she takes it into consideration. I just don't want her to "grow up" anymore. The last 18 years have been more than a few words can describe Brittany KayAnn. They have been a learning experience, they have given me the ability to feel a deep love that only a mother can feel, they have shown me the true definition of "blessing", they have given me strength when I felt weak, so that I can be here for you and your siblings! I love you my baby girl, you have given me joy, happiness and a deep love I will always cherish and you will always be my "Boogie" girl!

The sound of calm

Just thought I'd pop on for a second, it's been well over a month since I've jotted anything down and life seems to get away far to quick. As I sit here with baby boy sleeping, the kids at school for another 20 minutes, the sliding door cracked open and the cool breeze chilling my feet as it swooshes past me from the kitchen on through the living room out the front door, I listen to the birds chirping, the leaves blowing in the wind and just get lost in thought. I say thank you to our Heavenly Father, for without him, nothing would even matter. The beautiful little boy snoring away on my bed, my loud and sometimes obnoxious kids who will be barrelling through the door ready to run out into their back yard to play tether ball as soon as they get home, the green grass, the many trees in our yard, the blue jay I see sitting on our fence....none of it....It's all through the Lords blessings I can see, hear, and enjoy those things.

Yesterday, I had such a different perspective. I received some not so good news on what was supposed to be a oxygen study I did last week. What started out as a suggestion as an RX for oxygen for migraines, has turned into much more. The test has shown I stop breathing during my sleep, my heart is acting up and I need more than just oxygen for migraines....I went on the Internet and read up on "sleep apnea" and OMGoodness, I should never have done that....Of course I was scared to death. I don't want to die, I have kids, a husband, a niece, nephews, sisters, brothers, moms, dad, grandma...yada yada....you get it.....I can't go in my sleep.....plus, I am only going to be 40, sheesh, it's barely the new 30.....I am young....Yes, it scared me that bad. I was thinking it was like last night I was a goner!

I have to say, I love my fb family and friends, of course, like most, I shared this yesterday and had some of the most wonderful feedback, support and comments. I knew I wasn't alone, but what I didn't know is how common it really is. Not that it is glorified or anything. Far from it, but a few of my friends actually know how I feel and what I am experiencing. Not that I would wish anything on anyone, but I certainly am glad to know I am not alone and that there is hope and a way to feel better! I don't really care if I have to wear a mask, look scary, ugly or whatever, as long as I feel better. For a few years I have constantly been tired. Everyone around me, I know, gets sick of hearing it.....I can't help it, it's honestly how I feel. Now I know why...I don't sleep....at least not restful.....so there it is, one light at the end of a dark tunnel...an answer finally marked off that has taken so long to diagnose.....but, a diagnoses just the same!!

So, this morning I woke, feeling more positive. After all, I did see another day, hear my kids laughter again, see my sons smiling face and gap tooth grin, hear the birds chirping, the wind blowing and see how green our back yard is (and not to mention, how much yard work my husband has waiting for him this weekend! heeheehee).....Peace out...Have a blessed day!

Life, death & judging....

The last couple weeks, I have to admit, I have obsessed and prayed they would find 4 year old Juliani Cardenas alive. His mothers ex-boyfriend (who she is 8 months pregnant by), ripped him out of his grandmothers arms Jan. 18 and took him, yes, kidnapped him. A farm worker came forward the next day and said he saw a car matching the suspects vehicle go into the canal the night before (about 45 min after he took Juliani)...Dive crews and sherriffs officials searched the canal off and on for 10 days, pulling out many cars, all proving to be stolen, until they found "the" car they were looking for. When they pulled it out, there wasn't anyone inside, however the windows were down. Sadly, yesterday, February 1, 2011, an irrigation worker, 31 miles from where the farm worker said he saw the car go into the canal and where the little boy was kidnapped, found the body of a 4 year old boy matching the description of Juliani, wearing the same clothing and shoes as he was. They are doing DNA testing for obvious reasons (being in water 2 weeks).

Hearing this news, my heart mourns for the mother, who is pretty much due any day. The news showed a paramedic parked in the driveway of her home, "just in case" she went into labor because of the stress. What should be a joyous time, a time to celebrate, will now be a time to mourn and miss her son. I am kind of OCD. Meaning If I am interested in something, or something catches my attention, I will surf the web and read all I can about it til nothing new surfaces. As I said from the beginning, I have obsessed over Juliani, praying they would be able to find him and bring him home. One site I found, sadly, mentioned Jose's abusive behaviors and drug addictions. Many people were giving there opinions and expressing their condolences and such. I know everyone has their own opinions, everyone is entitled to their own, that is what makes us unique. I understand much more than the average person because I have been on both sides of the fence per say...You see, I have been on the side to say "how in the hell can you allow someone to control you" or "how can you be so stupid to allow him to treat you that way".....or, even "I would neverrrrrrrr"....come on, bull shit...straight out....UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN IN THEIR SITUATION, DO. NOT. JUDGE!!! I have been on the other side of the fence myself after being one to try to judge, the Lord allowed me to see a not so pretty sight. Not only did I start to use drugs (and am proud to say I have 8 years clean), but I also have been in a volitile relationship. Black eyes, concussions, lots of domestic violence. Once you get "sucked in" it is not something that is easy to get out of. They come back and are remorseful, telling you "sorry", being "nice" and then the cycle starts all over again....You "fall" for the "nice" person....and wish "evil" on the bad. Before you know it, years have passed and you are one of the ones being judged. You are one that everyone looks at and shakes their heads at, you are one that people talk behind your back about. You are one that people whisper about "that's the one who likes to be beat, I mean if she didn't why wouldn't she leave"....Like I said, I've been on both sides, I'm not talking out of my ass.....This brings me back to Tabitha Cardenas....the mother of Juliani Cardenas, many people have expressed how she allowed the monster Jose (her ex boyfriend) to be in her life, I mean, she is pregnant with his daughter, she allowed him around her son....she got what she deserved....How heartless can someone be to even say that.....I guess someone who has lived a perfect life and someone who has only lived on one side of the fence....the side where the grass is always greener right? I've expressed in a prior post how my story is not typical, if your interested, you can go read it, I can't give false hope that they will change, but I thank the Lord that my husband did change. When the story broke about Juliani being found, I thought about how many times that could have been us with anyone of our kids.....just a few years ago.....Thank you Jesus for giving your life, for dying on the cross to give us salvation and cleansing us of our sins....You know, yes, I call Jose a monster, I think he is...but at the same time, I feel bad for him. I can only hope his eternal resting spot is comfy...I can not judge him in that way, that is only for the creator to do....I feel for his family, who I am sure never imagined this happening. He leaves beind family and friends who mourn him for his good side also. He also leaves an unborn daughter, who no matter what act her father has done, or what his criminal record has on it, it is still her father. Her flesh and blood. She will always wonder who he was, what he was like, would he have changed, could she have changed him, would she have been "daddy's girl".....Even Tabitha herself, mourning her own flesh, her precious son Juliani, she will mourn for the "good" Jose. The Jose that she fell in love with. The Jose she created her daughter with. She will think about the good times, which will quickly fade into bitterness, but she will think about him.

So, next time you think of judging someone, try to think "what if it was you"....In the matter of an instant your life can change drastically, sometimes, it's a birth, sometimes it's a death, sometimes it's meeting someone....it's a split second chance or fate that changes your life forever.....I can say my grass had weeds on both sides of the fence.....I have removed that fence because I have lived on both sides.......

Moving on.....

Wow, it's been awhile since I've shared anything. I don't even know where to begin. Actually, I should be unpacking all these boxes sitting in my new kitchen, but eh, that can wait, they aren't going anywhere, neither am I....Let's see, Well, obviously, "unpacking" yes, we have finally moved....for 4 years we have lived in a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment. It was hard, but we did it, as the girls got older, having only 1 bathroom really became a challenge, luckily, their bedroom was rather larger so the 3 of them fit, with the exception of the mess from the 2 little ones....Then, our sweet Lijah boy came along...with. all. his. toys.....trucks, cars, balls....and we outgrew our apartment....the ever so tiny kitchen became the devils den when it was time to cook. Momma became the angry evil witch just stepping into the kitchen. I mean seriously, I could touch the stove with one had and reach across and touch the sink, and even stick out my pudgy and stubby leg and touch the kitchen table or fridge.....it was that. small! I despised stepping foot in there and everyone knew it. Dinner time became a battle ground, the weekends became a battle ground. I began using the crockpot more and more just so I wouldn't have to stand in there and cook. Not to mention, the stove was unbalanced and not matter how many times we balanced it, it leaned back and well....I am not even going there....we are done with that disgusting, yucky apartment!! Yay!! Now we have a nice house, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms (2 toilets...OMG where have they been all my life???)....lol....a 2 car garage with get this....our very own washer and dryer, no more paying to wash our clothes, yeeeehawwww!!!! Hahaha....my kitchen is atleast 3-4 times bigger, there is no way even if I was 6 feet tall I could touch the sink and my kitchen table or fridge at the same time (laughing out loud for real!).....Brittany finally has her own room, we told her Elijah would share a room with her, but no, it was just to "get at her". Didn't work, she didn't care one bit, as long as she doesn't have to share with Dominique or Mariah! She even said Deanna can share with her when she comes to visit! Wow, impressive! She will let her brother sleep in there on the weekends or when there is no school (score for us! Mommy gets to sleep!!)....Nique and Riah will be learning a hard lesson I do believe, they are pack rats. I threatend to put only their mattresses on the floor, no more, no less. No TV, no cable, nothing else....if they don't keep their room cleaned...we've been here 4 days and it's a joke already...Danny thought I complained to much at the apartment, that is until he moved us.....he finally admitted to me that he now understands my frustrations and can see how I can cry over the mess. It was absolutely ridiculous, disgusting and gross....constant keeping up on them didn't seem to matter. I am open for suggestions and advice from anyone who has been through this....please!! lol......As for our bedroom....O.M.G...glorious......we have sooo much more room! Walk in closet, I have a cute little built in vanity to put my perfumes out and actually display them (Ed Hardy, Oui, Dolce & Gabana..you know, the expensive stuff you aren't embarrassed to show!).....we have so much room now it looks empty. The kids say it looks like a hotel room....hmmm....Guess I need to decorate it and make it look homey...All of us are looking forward to entertaining our friends, the girls have already asked when they can have their friends over for sleepovers, parties and whatnots....we are looking forward to bbq's with family and friends. Just to see the smiles on our babies faces when we are together is wonderful. They are happy as well to be out of there. Even the baby, he is full of squeals and squawks, as he runs down the hall knocking on each door. We have been blessed beyond anything I could ever have imagined, this kinda "fell" into our laps and I thank our Father for his gift of a much wanted prayer answered!!

I have something else I wish to write about, but I think I am going to separate the posts. So for now I am going to end this post and start my next. It is tugging at my heart and I need to get it out before time escapes me and before I know it the kids are due home....Be blessed!!

Happy 1st Birthday Son!

Dear Elijah, I just wanted to take a moment and tell you what a joy it is to be your mommy.  Not a day goes by that I don't tell the Lord thank you for blessing our lives with you, nor do I ever NOT tell you a million (well, probably more..hehehe) times a day how much I love you. Just a year ago, you came into this big crazy world weighing 6lb. 12 oz.....a little guy....but big personality! You have shown us as a family, what true love and happiness is. Not only am I madly in love with you, daddy, your sisters, everyone around loves you so very much! Your bright blue eyes sparkle with love and amazement in everything you do. My little man, Aunt KiKi posted this on my facebook, it couldn't be more true......"Happy Birfday to you too sis. You finally got your birthday wish after all these years. lol.".....I wanted you for soooo long and now your here, I am over the moon and cherishing every day I am here to watch you grow and learn!  xoxo Love Mommy

My son, no words to express the love I feel

"love" is not enough,

my heart overflows with so many feelings, watching you grow

watching you learn and become a little person of your own.

The Lord, blessed my life by allowing me to be your mommy....

I can only hope that as you grow and mature, you follow Gods word and become a man of God.

Not letting the worldly influences obstruct your visions, passions and morals.

You've only just celebrated your very 1st birthday, and I feel like your ready to move out..lol, I know, I've got a ways to go on that, but my heart is not ready to let you grow up yet. I love you Lijah Boy........

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY!!

Giving thanks to Jesus!! Today is a great day!!

Just wanted to publicly give praise to God for letting today be a good day. I have faith I will continue this day without the horrendous facial pain I have been feeling non-stop for I don't even know how long! This scripture fits so well into how I am feeling today, so much that I literally feel the Holy Spirit with me, the warmth, the love, the caring and compassion from my father......Praise the Lord, oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is GOOD, for his mercy endures forever, who can utter the mighty acts of the LORD? Who can declare his praise? Psalms 106:1-2

It's not always, I admit outright, that I worship the way I should. It's not always I act like I should....but I do know the how's and whys of doing so in the Lord....Today is one of the days I just feel the need to be vocal, sing, worship, dance for our creator...to let Jesus know I love and appreciate his sacrifice, the pain I feel is nothing to what he had to endure and yet he did it for me...Praise you father......Thank you for your son, for your faithfulness, for your promise and your allowing me to be who I am and still love me regardless of anything I have ever done or ever will do!

May your day be full of God's blessings.......

Randomness....

Just sitting here on the computer while little man sleeps (have I mentioned lately how much I totally LOVE and ADORE him??.....Well, I do!!!)...But I'm just sitting here, looking outside at the beautiful sky. Partial clouds, breezy, the feeling of Fall in the air. I absolutely love Fall. Not the hot heat of summer, but not the cold of winter either. This is going to be a great season, I have my girls who are already talking about their upcoming birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas....and I have my son who will drive us nuts trying to take the ornaments off the tree, yet bring us that joy that is undescribable when he sees the lights of the holiday light up that same tree!  This year we will start teaching Elijah the meaning of Christmas, and the Holy Spirit will fill our home and as we celebrate this holy day (holi-day..get it?). Along with teaching all of our kids of the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of our Lord, we will also give them the childish joys of Santa. Santa will visit our home, bringing gifts to our blessings for being good through out the year. I do not find harm in letting them have the imagination of Santa, as long as they do understand we celebrate for Jesus...which, so far 3 of 4 (because he is so little) do understand. When asked why we celebrate Christmas, they will all tell you "it's Jesus' birthday"....and we always start our morning, before anything, saying a family prayer, and telling God thank you for his son, for the birth of the best gift of all! For without that gift, I don't even want to imagine how life would be. 

I have to "LOL" or laugh out loud as I type this out. My mind is racing, from one subject to another, not sure where I am going with any of this post...Hence the subject "Randomness"....hahaha....darn, today is one of those days, I have so much to do, but would rather be lazy and do nothing. However, it's one of those days that I HAVE to do a few things, man oh man, even Lijah boy is sleeping and being lazy....oh well, maybe tomorrow??

I look around our apartment, anxious....I am so ready to move into a house and know I have to be patient..what's that saying "good things come to those who wait?"....I'm waiting, I sure hope it's good...I am ready to have a normal size kitchen, an extra bathroom...oh boy, the bathroom alone would be amazing....lol....to take a bath without each one of the kids coming in because I've been in the bath too long...and of course, they need to use it....I'll be able to tell them to "go use the other bathroom"....to have an extra bedroom....Britt needs a room to call her own, well, kind of, Lijah will be with us for awhile, but when it's time to transition him into a big boy bed, he will probably share with sissy Nini (Brittany)....if she's still living here...she might leave at 18...or she might be with us til she's 30....I definately would not make her share with the messiness of Dominique or Mariah....OMG, love my kids, but these 2 are messy. EVERYDAY of their little lives, they've been told "put it away"...meaning whatever it was they were using or playing with, put it away when your done, or when you pull something out of your drawer and decide you don't want to wear it, put it back!!....that's almost 7 & 9 years of saying it....they still haven't gotten it....Sometimes, I seriously think they will grow up being like the people on the show "Hoarders"...dear God, please no.....I know I can't say much, if you ask my mom, she'll say my sister and I were the exact same way. I can honestly remember sharing a room with my sister and having to spend the entire day cleaning because we had it so messy, both Christy and I sitting there crying because we had no idea where to start in the ugliness of that mess. I can remember my mom yelling at us out of shear frustration....hmmm....the saying "you reap what you sow" comes to mind as I'm typing this out...not funny...Don't get me wrong, the picture above is not a constant or permanent way I allow them to live. Many times, they have priviliages taken away until their messes are cleaned up. It's up to them how long they want to go without TV, being able to play outside, color, play school....and I don't allow it more than 2 days....but I do understand that frustration my own mom expressed, I too can now say I understand....Well, the time has come to get off this computer and get things done....hey, dishes are all done, bottles soaking, laundry going...but I do need to dust, vacumm and run those errands....Ya know, I am so thankful for being able to come on and read old posts, especially when I am not having too good of a day....A few of them are gentle reminders of different stuff and I can always find the "one" post that changes my mood!  Until the next post, which will probably be later today (I'm just in one of those writing moods), have a blessed day!

Feels like forever.....

Wow, where do I even begin. It feels like forever since I've even jotted down anything other than a grocery list or "to-do" list. Life feels like it's just flying by, not even giving me a chance to catch my breath, let alone take anything in. My oldest Brittany just turned 17....next stop, adulthood. I wonder constantly what her life will be like, so far, she has been a great kid, no drugs, alcohol, nothing like I was. THANK GOD!!  But I wonder if I've done "enough"....Have I taught her enough to sustain herself as an adult or if anything ever happend to me? Enough to live, enough to be strong....just ENOUGH.....I look at my younger kids, Dominique turning 9, Mariah 7...my baby girls, they are growing so fast and all of them are such blessings! My little man, about to turn 1 in just 3 weeks. Now that is enough to make me cry! It's so bittersweet watching this little gift from God. Never did I think I would have my son, never did I realize how much I wanted a son and never did I feel more blessed than I do having a son.  I look at him, his handsome little face, his gorgeous blue eyes, the blond spikey hair....I just love everything about his little man. The chubby little feet, the silly games he likes to play, the big space between his top 2 teeth.....I could go on and on and on....I wish I could hold time still and go back 17 years...9 years....7 years and stay where we are now....to have all my babies still be babies....just past the up at night stage, but still small enough to see the wonder and amazement on their little faces when they see something new and interesting or the excitement when they hear my voice....I love these kids so much, you know, that "so much" feeling when you loose your breath and you can feel it in the pit of your stomach? Yah, that much!

I'm still going through some medical issues, waiting for the neurologist to get me in. Honestly, I am scared to death. Almost a year ago, I had several cat scans and an MRI with contrast, they thought I had either an aneurysm or a brain tumor because I had what they called "a blown pupil", my right eye was bugged out and droopy (look up horners syndrome, that's what I looked like, but that was ruled out as well)...I had no blue round my right eye at all, it was black and one huge pupil! I spent 3 days in the hospital with a team of 8 doctors and not one could figure out what was wrong with me after the above mentioned  was ruled out. I just wish they would say "ok ....blah blah blah...is what you have and this is the plan to manage the pain".....everything is on the right side of my head, the eye pressure and head pain is not a normal migraine or headache, it feels like I have an ice pick stabbing the crap out of the pupil from behind. The side of my nose is pretty much numb and goes up my cheek. My nose is so stuffy and hurts so bad it's ridiculous.  I've been on so many medicines it's sickening. I don't want to be on meds, not if they don't know what's wrong. What if they are giving me crap that is doing more harm than good? I've been on dilantin to relax the nerves, neurontin, vicoden, percocet, oxycotin.....now I'm just taking ibuprofen because I don't want the narcotics. I don't think they understand I can not take those meds, I need to be coherent & able to take care of my kids. I am not a drug addict who has to have them....I will deal with the pain when I have to and if it gets to bad, then I will go to the ER (usually the pain is worse when it's time to go to bed, that's why I say ER). I can only pray and hope that whatever is going on is not terminal. I am so terrified.......My Aunt passed from a brain tumor, my other Aunt (her sister) passed from what started as breast cancer and spread to the brain.....I've been dealing with this pain off and on for almost 6 years, but the last year it doesn't seem to want to go away....(the pupil incident was just last year, but it still gets a bit larger than the left side at times).  They have said it was everything from migraines to facial nerve damage. Who knows, but I do hope the Dr. can get me in real soon!

Well, the computer seems to want to keep freezing so I am going to end and take it as a sign that it's time to go to sleep..... I will update more later....sweet dreams and good night.....God bless!

I still feel the same...transferred from old writings..

So, I was on Myspace earlier and realized I had tried this "blog" thing a time or 2, but it never felt right I guess. I wrote a few times, times when life couldn't be explained any other way than through writing. As I sat and read each one, tears flowed down my cheeks for different reasons (as noted in the writings)....

I thought back to each day, like it was yesterday. My heart broken, skipping a beat, happy, sad, torn, so many emotions. In re-reading these things, I have realized more now than ever how important family is. They are pieces of life's puzzle that when snapped in place, keep it together. The love we have for family continues, even after they've passed on, but the pain stays tucked inside. At a  moments notice, ready to flare up and give you an "in your face" reality check. The puzzle piece is missing......sigh.....

As time goes on, additional pieces are added,  (like the addition of my "Milk Dud"..My nephew Lucas...my sisters youngest....Although he is too little to "know" Charlotte, he will know of her, knowing that she is his sister....as will Elijah, knowing she is his cousin.). once again strengthening the puzzle, but that puzzle will always be weak...Just as the puzzle piece that was broken upon my Aunt Barb's passing. My heart still misses her as well. She was such a wonderful lady, who's life was a blessing to those around her! It's been almost a year and a half and I still hear her voice like I spoke to her 5 minutes ago....

Then the happiness of our vow renewal...WOW...the feelings I felt that day rushed through me all over again! Thank you Jesus for all of these emotions, they let me know I am alive, here to be with my family through all types of situations, and to be able to persevere through it all.....Those we have lost are alive in our memories, we cry for them, we grieve for them, we hurt for them..because we love them!

In closing, this post wasn't really for anybody other than me, so I can come and reflect and when I can't quite remember, the writings will bring it all back...Just as they have done tonight...To my husband, I love you more today than yesterday.......For my niece Charlotte, not a day goes by that Aunt Jenni doesn't think of you, to wonder what you'd look like now, how it would be to see you playing with Lukey & Lijah....to be able to kiss your beautiful face and tell you I love you.....you are forever missed, but I know one day I will be able to see all my hearts desires, just as promised.....Aunt Barb, I miss you deeply, I think of you so very often, I look back at pictures and thank God I was blessed with you for my Aunt. Your smile lit up a room, and your presence made everything better! I too know one day I will see you again, but until then, rest peacefully and know no matter how long until my own time comes, I will remember.....xoxo Jen
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January 15, 2009 - Thursday


Until we meet again....

Current mood: nostalgic

Not to much to write this time...A week after your passing, it's really hitting me today. I find myself weeping, hearing your voice clear as day. I can hear when I'd call and you'd say "Well hello there" and your laugh. You had a one of a kind laugh. I see you with your beautiful full smile, answering the door when we'd come to visit. Always full of life and welcoming, a great big hug and "come in, come in, sooo, how ya doin'?"...It never mattered if we spoke once a week or once a month, we had that closeness. With the exception of the last couple months, not a month went by that we didn't speak... I knew you were sick, you didn't want to sadden anyone. Never looked for pity, never wanted anyone to feel bad for you. I wish I could have been there Aunt Barb, to tell you myself how much I love you and that you'll always be in my heart. I asked Don to squeeze your hand and give you that message for me, to let you know that I'm so very sorry I couldn't be there to say farewell in this life, but I was there in spirit. I know you are with the Lord, free from pain, anguish, sorrow....rejoicing the way we've been promised. During your illness, you never winced, never complained, never let anyone know how bad the cancer affected you. You left this life peacefully, calm, and graceful - just as you lived life....

Well Aunt Barb, it's getting late, I had a few "alone minutes" and wanted to write some of my feelings down. I know if I can be 1/2 the woman you were here on earth, I'll be OK. I love you and will miss you til we are together again...

Love Jenni



**I just wanted to note, this blogging thing is pretty awesome. I just read a post back from Sept. speaking of my Aunt and asking for prayers. The Dr.'s gave her something like 6mo to a year or 18 months. I had asked that if the Lord was bringing her home, to make it quick and pain free. My prayers were answered...What a mighty and faithful father we serve! I was only about 3 1/2 months...Thank you Jesus!
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May 20, 2008 - Tuesday


Time to relax now.....a small novel!

Current mood: drained

OK, so, we renewed our vows Saturday. What a memorable weekend! I feel so full of life (well, right now, I am totally exhausted and kinda feeling sick, all that lead up to the "day" and then finally able to relax...UGH). Anyhow, the day was perfect (well, it would have been if poor Mariah hadn't gotten sick, she was not feeling well but was soooo good! It still turned out wonderful!), our family, close family friends, the mood, the air, everything! We played a few oldies while the guests were being seated (about 50ish), my Dad waited at the entrance of the sanctuary, asked if he was going to walk me down the isle, at the time (which now I totally regret!) I told him "no, I got it daddy, go sit down and relax and enjoy"...I sure wish I would have, but in my mind, it was my way of saying, I have finally grown up and can do this solo...I do wish I would have let him, maybe it's what he wanted, needed, I know I can't go back and change anything, but dang I wish I could! So, he went to sit down and......

Then......

"our song" started, At Last, by Etta James. Now, in the first few seconds of the song it's only music. Then, she, with her sultry voice starts by "At Last, my love has come along....." that is when the girls started walking down the isle, with me about 4 feet behind them. As soon as I entered the church, I could feel the never ending lump in my throat, I could feel what felt like 1000's of eyes on me, my freaking legs were shaking, although nobody said they noticed, but I sure could feel it!

The day, is kind of a blur, like "huh, what, where'd it go" but I do remember glancing a couple times at the crowd in the pews but mostly kept my eyes on Danny. He has totally changed more than I could have EVER hoped for. I am soooo in love with him and ugh, tears rolling down my cheeks again just thinking of the day! Anyways, about 3/4 of the way, I'm looking at Danny, glancing at Pastor Steven (who by the way went above and beyond, he and his wife, who I am pleased to call our friends are a blessing in soo many ways! A million thank yous!!!!). Anyways, I felt like I was about to start crying (and if you know me, you know I HATE to cry in front of people, not a pleasant site, lol) So, to lighten the mood and so I would laugh, I kind of paused, put my hand on my hip and looked at him like "oh yeah big boy" (see pics and I am sure you can figure out which one I am talking about!). But everyone chuckled and it helped pass the crying for the moment. Then, he helped me up to the top of the thingy (stage?). Pastor Steve said some wonderful things, said a prayer and then it was time for the vows. I had already said I wanted to go first so I could at least say 1/2 of them before the waterworks started. 1/2 way through, I paused, held my finger up for a sec, like "hold on" and grabbed a wad of tissue out from between the boobage....yep, everyone laughed through their sniffles! Ahhhh, another good moment! Then came the time for Danny to reaffirm our vows, our marriage, and OHHHH BOY, I couldn't stop crying. Have I mentioned how much I love my husband? Some may think, "your already married, why this elaborate"....well, our original wedding day was pretty crappy. That day is one that although I am glad we were married, it wasn't one to remember. We got married in my dining room, in everyday street clothes, and those that know us, know all the crap that was going on then.....it wasn't a happy, memorable day!

So, with new beginnings, we wanted to do it right and OMG it feels so good, I feel like we are newlyweds for the first time! When we walked out of the church, we walked out to Jagged Edges "Let's get married" remix, a fast, upbeat song and I stopped, made Danny get in front of me and started acting like I was smacking his butt......it was hilarious! I like to have a good time and make everyone laugh, so I succeeded!!!

The reception was nice and relaxing, everyone ate and relaxed and enjoyed the day. Now for me to say the thank yous and let you know why, so Thank you to: all our family, for standing behind us, for traveling from Reno, Riverside, Los Angeles area, Corona, all over California, to come and share our day and see the changes our family has made, to Iylda (a lady, now friend, from church) who volunteered to help and was amazing in herself! Lori, a friend, who I can never thank enough for her photography skills, bless her! She took over 1200 pictures which I can not wait to see! My best friend for almost 20 years, for helping get the girls ready, for driving 10 hours from Oregon to be with us on our wedding day, which was also her birthday, for being the one to bring Danny and I together 8 years ago (even though, it was only supposed to be for one night....uh yeah, we weren't to innocent back then), to Dylan for helping Christy and Iylda in the kitchen! To my Sister Christy, I can never thank you enough for your love, your help, the many nights you listened to me as I cried over leaving my husband and I will never forget your words "The Lord has to break you both down, to build you both up".......Boy has he done it, but seriously sis, you were my support in my darkest times. Your family never shunned Danny, you and Brian prayed and have seen the works of the Lord. You cooked for all of us (in 105 degree heat!), opened your home for the entire weekend and made everyone feel so comfortable and welcomed. You are not only my sister, but one of my best friends. The Lord has blessed me so many times over and has brought us together, I thank you from the bottom of my heart Christy. You are a gift from God, a child of God. Your heart is a heart of Gold and I can never say Thank you enough! You have given me 2 beautiful nieces, one that I can not wait to hold in heaven, and one that I have watched grow into a beautiful (yes, mouthy, but beautiful young lady - remember, I will, find that "Queen Tude" tiara someday!), 2 extremely handsome nephews who never cease to amaze me, and a brother in law that has gone from a little boy who was a smart a$$ and I couldn't stand, to one that I love as my own brother! Danny and I can't tell you enough how much we love and appreciate you both (hot dogs and all.....lol). Anyways, this has become a small novel, but I just wanted to share the joy, the day and the memories as I remember them! I love you all....

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November 28, 2008 - Friday


2 years

Current mood: blessed

So, as I woke this morning, my chest was pounding, my head spinning and I felt really happy, but extremely emotional. Danny called me when he got to work (as he usually does) and I was talking to him about my nephew Zach (he felt his brother move for the first time last night, too cute!). We both had a chuckle out of it and imagined the look on his face as he felt Christy's stomach "bump"....after we hung up, I came in an looked at my Christmas tree (yes, I've already decorated, 1st time ever to be this early!) I started thinking back to 2 years ago, Wow....So much has changed, so much it's really un-imaginable. You know, have you ever felt like time was standing still and memories are the only thing moving, flooding the mind, making you dizzy? Maybe not, maybe I am just that "weird"...

Anyways, 2 years ago, my life was NuTs, CrAzY, InSaNe......I was living with my mom, separated, a single parent, yada yada yada.....Then, Dec. 1 came.....woke up feeling on edge, watched my nephews as my sister went to her ultra-sound.....standing in the kitchen doing dishes, looking out the window, phone rings, I knew....I just knew without looking at the caller ID, I knew when I answered and heard my sisters muffled words, the heart break in her voice. She called to tell me my niece went to be with Jesus, that she saw her heart stop during that ultrasound. We knew Charlotte was special, and Jesus knew she was very Special! He chose to take her home where she would be whole, where she'd live sin free for eternity, never in pain, never knowing grief, never wondering why the world is the way it is. She was one of the chosen ones. Pure. Beautiful. One of a kind.

I remember getting off the phone, going outside and sitting at the patio table, crying, trying to compose myself so the kids wouldn't see something was wrong. I had never "listened" for the Lords words before, but as I sat there, being selfish, crying out to God "why me? Why Lord, why am I going through all of this, first my marriage, being a single parent (again!), and though my mom opened her doors, I know it was hard having 4 extra people there, I knew it wasn't our home, 3 of us in one bed in the extra bedroom, surrounded by dressers, a stuffed closet, My oldest sleeping on a couch in the den, I had just been laid off a month prior, my niece...why, why,why? Out of the blue, clear as day (now, some may really think I've lost it!) but seriously, I heard a voice, kind of - I can't explain it, it was in in my head, but loud as ever......"Yes, you are going through tough times, but this trial wasn't about you, it's about family" Um OK... kind of freaking out......."Had your marriage not gone the way it did, you'd still be in Taft, in the same situation, if not worse. You wouldn't have been here to share in the joy of your sister finding out she was pregnant, or when it was diagnosed that Charlotte was ill, you wouldn't have been here to offer support to her all these months, you wouldn't have your nephews here where they need to be right at this very moment..."

It suddenly became clear, it wasn't about me, my trials, none of it! It was about the Lord preparing us for Charlotte's departure. Had I been in Taft, nothing would have changed. My marriage would still be the same- money issues- HA HA- I wouldn't have had the money to drive up....I would have to support my Sister and her family via the phone...What kind of support is that really? The morning my sister left to deliver Charlotte, I was with my nephews, taking them for Pizza, trying to play games with them to keep their little minds off of "where's mommy".....I was here, where I was needed. I was here because my sister needed me, and would need me. I was here to do what needed to be done, not expecting a pat on the back, not looking for a "way to go"...but because when it comes down to it, the Lord placed me in that place, at that time for his reasoning...

All of that, to get to this: I knew Dec. 1 was coming up, then, Dec. 7, the day Charlotte was born. The grief lessons, but it's still there, lingering, waiting for the moment to creep back up, to flood your mind with memories....I can't imagine how my sister feels, how my brother in law feels, how my niece and nephews feel, but I know how I feel as an Aunt. I still hurt, I remember, I don't forget and will never forget that there are 2 nieces, one here that I can love and joke with, scold when needed (hehehe) and one in heaven, who I'd like to think is watching over all of us, and knowing she is truly loved and missed.

I think I will call my sister today and ask if she'd like to go to the cemetery Monday after the kids have gone back to school. 2 years ago, life was dark, sad, empty in so many ways. Charlotte will never be forgotten or replaced, but this year, we can have our grief, sadness and bittersweet memories, as well as celebrating a happier time. This little boy that is due in March is so much wanted, loved, prayed for. He is beautiful, healthy, an addition to "our" family. You know, after hearing what I heard that day on the patio, my entire perception of life changed. Even though it wasn't about "me" (although, I wish it was for the simple fact that Charlotte would be here)... the bitterness I felt for my husband almost instantly diminished, the ill feelings "GONE"....I realized this whole process may not have been about "my woes, my struggles, my life" it was about "FAMILY"....You know, as I put up the tree, took out the ornaments, the first one I placed, front and center was for Charlotte.....Last year, we did an ornament exchange in her memory. Christy made the most beautiful ornaments, clear bulbs with a black/white transparency of Charlotte's feet, tied with a light pink bow.....Perfect, just as she was..........

Just a rant on stupidity!

First off, this blog is just what I needed....When I said in my side profile, "to moan and groan" this would be one of those posts. I don't mean to offend anyone, but some days I seriously wonder what people are thinking!

First off, I go to a discount store to purchase eye drops. I've been battling chronic dry eye (only my right eye) and the pain gets so intense at times I could have and have cried! I know this store carries brand name stuff for 1/3 the price of the pharmacy. Anyhoo, I went in today and yes, SCORED....I found a life saving (to me anyways) eye drop, it's actually a gel, thick, lasts and ahhh relief! However, when I go to pay, the lady in front of me has over $200 of crap. EVERY SINGLE ITEM, she disputed the price, saying it was anywhere from 50 cents to a dollar different.....1st rant.....The checker goes to check the prices on a few of the items, calls another checker, yay for me right? Nope, by this time there were 3 people behind me, the new checker calls the lady behind me to her line "I can help you right here"....WTH?? Everyone of them went to the other line...5 people later I finally paid and left, only to see the disputing $200 discount store shopper loading everything into a brand new, no plates yet Mercedes.....Pissed? Just a bit...No, not because she was in a brand new Mercedes, but because she wasted my time! lol

Then, from the discount store, I head over to pick up my youngest daughter and nephew from school. They get into the "mom van", buckle up, we take off.  I was coming up to the corner I needed to turn left on, signal, start slowing down and in my rear-view mirror, I see this little white pickup truck hauling buns....I seriously thought he was going to plow right into the back of me. Mind you, this is a residential neighborhood....So, the guy doesn't plow into me, but jets around me (illegal!)....Kids all over the place walking home from school. In fact, the reason I didn't turn was because there was a kid crossing the street to my side, as well as a car coming from the opposite direction. That dummy could have hit a kid, he didn't know if I was stopping for the oncoming car or what. I mean, what if a kid had been crossing in front of me? It just made me so upset. As he passes, I realize it is a city worker....ooh, made me even more upset. I took note of the vehicle number, the time and the streets....Yep, call me a tattle tale, but what if it was one of your kids walking home ya know? This situation could have turned bad real quick.

So, this is my daily rant (s), nothing to get to upset over, but hey, we all have those days.....

Let it flow....

You know, when I was abit younger, I loved to write. I would write stories, poems, anything....I have to LOL because as I was typing out the first sentence, I was thinking, man, I even wrote letters..Something not to many people do anymore with the email, text messages, internet message boards...Any way, I absolutely loved to write, didn't matter what the subject was about, I could do it. English was always one of my favorite classes in school, verbs, nouns, you name it, I aced it! I had quite a collection of poems (this was really my favorite to write), a whole little hard cover book full of poems. I had been collecting them since elementary school and as I got older, I transferred all of them into this neat little book. Once Brittany was born, I wrote many poems about her, for her and to her. I even had one published in a book. Sadly, both the book of poems and the book my poem was published in are now a thing of the past (when I left with the girls, I left the books...oh well, they are only material right?).

I guess my whole reason for this post is I feel like I have an outlet, someplace to not only share my life with whoever is interested, but a place I can once again store poems, stories, whatever is on my mind (even if it makes no sense to anyone other than me...even if the poems, stories, whatever are boring, blah or ridiculous). Someplace to zone out and in a sense, be productive. I may not be up dusting, folding laundry, mopping floors, I mean common' you can only do so much of that...But I can be productive in another way. I haven't actually sat down to write anything (other than a grocery list or to fill out an envelope filled with pictures of the kids to be mailed out) for so long that it feels good to just let the thoughts flow.

This blog thing might just have something to it....I never understood why there were so many blogs, I think I just might understand now. I'm not sure if it's the newness, or a new found addiction, but I'm enjoying whatever it is.

Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow.......

A mother's love....

Thinking back, to my younger days, partying with friends, catching the rays...
Thinking back, I had it all, nothing mattered, just having a ball....
Thinking back, life was grand, sleeping in, money in hand....
Thinking back, I had a good childhood, lot's of family and friends so dear.....
Thinking back, I never knew the love I would feel in just a few short years....

Here in the present, it's now my children's parties that I plan, drive all over and meet their demands...
Here in the present, I know - I am who I am, all because of the life I had way back when....
Here in the present, my life is great, may not have the money in hand, and no more sleeping til noon, but I knew life would change as soon as I had you.....
Here in the present, my kids bring me a love that comes from deep within the heart, it's unconditional and was there from the start...
 Here in the present, I thank the Lord each day, for blessing me with my babies that I've watched sleep, grow and play....
Here in the present, know that I love you and it continues to grow....It's only a love that a mother would know....

I love you Britt, Nique, Riah and Lijah boy......You will always be my babies, even when your old and gray...You all have brought such joy and love into my life, in a lot of the same ways, and in many different ways. It really doesn't matter how, all I know is I never knew this type of love until you were conceived and then born. It's a totally different type of love than I have for my parents, siblings, husband, friends....This love is an undying, mind blowing love. I love you to the moon and back and forever and eternity....
Love Mommy

The life and death of a stranger

So this post isn't about my family or close friends. More so about an acquaintance and his kids. My heart is breaking right now, for this particular family here in our town. Why? I'm not friends with them, I have never socialized with them, I only know Jay from the tattoo shop. Yes, he did one of the many I have. That was the beginning of a tragic end.

You see, Jay (the tattoo guy), my husband & I were talking while he was preparing to do a butterfly on the top of my foot, about family, kids...blah blah blah...He said he and his wife Victoria had 2 kids, a boy and a girl. They had been together for like 17 years, since she was 13 & he was 16. Nobody thought they would make it....He spoke with such love, such adoration, so much emotion....then he said his wife was dying from stage 4 lymphoma. She had went into remission, but it came back even stronger. They had been looking for bone marrow donors, but couldn't afford the transplant and he was praying for a miracle. OK, that in itself broke my heart. I couldn't even imagine how he felt.  At the same time, my Aunt was dying from breast cancer which had spread to her brain (which the brain cancer is what ultimately took her life in January 2009), but I couldn't compare the love of a spouse to the love for an Aunt ya know? But over the last year and a half, I'd run into Jay here and there, he was always so polite and friendly. Not long ago, around Christmas, I ran into him at Rite-Aid, we both went to the photo counter to pay for our purchases, he first. As he turned around, he looked tired, sad...troubled...he smiled and said "hi", I did the same back. Then, I asked how his wife was doing. The smile slowly faded to an almost quivering lip, he stated she wasn't doing good and the Dr. thought she only had a few months to live. I told him, "I'm so sorry" and felt a lump in my own throat bigger than Mount Shasta. Had he been a good friend, I would have given him a hug, just because he looked like he could really use one..But, I didn't..I just told him I'd keep his family in prayer and we went our separate ways.

Fast forward to last week. I normally go online daily and read our local newspaper every morning. So, without missing a beat, I signed on, went to the papers online paper, and on the front there was an article "Victoria coming home as cancer takes control"...immediately, I felt like I did that day at Rite-Aid...couldn't swallow my coffee and felt the urge to cry...Call me emotional, but this family really struck a cord with me! I read the article, apparently she had been in and out of different hospitals, but the Dr.'s said her  heart & lungs were filled with fluid and it was time to let her go home with hospice to help care for her. Again, my heart sank and I just really felt bad for this family.

So, a couple days ago, I did my usual morning routine after the kids got off to school. Elijah drank a bottle and fell asleep, I sat at my computer, checked my facebook, myspace, emails on both accounts....went back into my favorites and clicked on the newspaper. I immediately noticed one of the top stories "Victoria M. loses her battle with cancer"......My eyes welled with tears, I felt at that moment like I had lost someone I actually knew. A family member or close friend. I thought of Jay, the way he spoke of his wife, how much he loved her, about their kids...what they must be feeling or not feeling, most likely being in shock. I couldn't fathom (and thankful, in my own selfish way, didn't have to) the feelings this family must be going through. She was gone, took her last breath, which, I can only pray for her was pain free.  Honestly, even though I read the article, I looked for her obituary, to see when her service would be. There was nothing in the paper, of course not, it was too soon. Give it a day or 2...The next morning, I checked the obit section and there it was. May 17....the day she passed, just 7 days after her 34th birthday. I read the details on the service and felt the lump re-appear, this time even bigger. You see, 12 hours after she took her last breath, her father also passed away. I don't know the details, but because I am human, and humans after all assume....I assume he couldn't handle the thought of his daughter dying (after all, he was 83), maybe he had a heart attack, maybe he was sick...I don't know....but at that moment, reading the obit, a whole lot of emotions overcame me.

This family is not only suffering, grieving and missing a wife, mother, daughter...but a father in law, grandfather & husband. How sad, how tragic.....

Today, after picking up my high schooler, I had to run a few errands. As we went to the store, then the bank, we had to pass the church where the service for both daughter and father was being held. Two hearse, parked in front of the church, they were in the process of taking the second casket out. People surrounding both, hugging, crying, talking....It was that instant that I realized it wasn't just an article or sad story I read. It was real, it was sad, no, heart wrenching. We passed and I traveled on to pick up my little ones at school, tears streaming down my face, the road blurry, my oldest in her own thoughts and teary eyed as well.....

I parked in front of the school as usual, but this time, I slid the drivers seat back to where I could see my son, who in just 3 days will be 7 months. Such a big boy, smiling, laughing at the faces I was making at him...Just he and I, as Britt walked to the entrance to pick up her sisters and cousin....I thanked God for the gifts of my children and asked he allow me to see them fully grow up. To allow them the peace of not losing a parent at a young age and if it did happen that I were to go before they were grown, to please, let them know how much I loved them. To leave a legacy that when I spoke of my kids, how my face would light up, my voice would pour out the love I have for them and that it was never questioned how much I loved them. They are my life and I hope they always know it.

With all of that being said, just as Jay spoke of his wife, I just know she spoke of her children the same way....Just by the words I heard that December day, forever having ink embedded into my skin...that family radiated love for one another, in action, words and feelings. Rest in Peace Victoria and Frank (her daddy)...for not knowing you, you sure have left an impression on how love is supposed to be.....

10 Years.....

What a first to "blog" about....but it's sentimental to me! Today is the 10 year anniversary of when Danny and I first "went out"...It's actually funny because back then, I never imagined it leading us to where we are today. Not only is today our 10 year anniversary of being together, it is also our 7 year wedding anniversary. Yes, 7 years ago we "got hitched". Our lives have changed so much, can't complain at all.

The first years were the hardest, living with an drug addict is not an easy life. Financially it took its toll of course, but there was abuse beyond measure. Why I stayed, I honestly don't know. Partially scared to leave, Maybe the kids.. I had Brittany from a previous, he had D who lives with her mom & then "we" had Dominique prior to getting married and I was about 4 months pregnant with Mariah when we did get married. The drug use played the bigged part in the abuse. Domestic Violence is not something anyone should ever experience, but sadly, it does exist, it is real and it sucks! My story is not "A-typical" though. My story has a happy ending (so far), my marriage became stronger, I did not end up in the hospital or worse, the morgue. My husband broke his abusive behavior and has now been sober for almost 4 years!

How did my life go from abuse to loving? I finally had enough and left. After being married for only 3 years, I couldn't take it any longer, I took the girls, packed my van with a few clothes for the kids, grabbed what I needed and left my husband. I called my own mother who picked up the girls and took them to her house 300 or so miles away and believe me she was skeptical, so many times I said I was done, even sitting there with a black eye and consussion, only to take the monster back. But I didn't take him back (yet). After my mom took my girls, I was able to grab photo albums and the rest of our clothes, all the while He begged me to stay, he pleaded on the phone for me to come back, even with other females in my house...yes, he had numerous females staying there when I left, even answering my phone. Well, I guess since I left, it was no longer mine but you know it was...my material possessions were still there, though I'd never get them back! He hit rock bottom and everything went to the dealer, the skanks...(oops, did I really just say that?? lol) who filtered through what they wanted, could sale for a quick buck or trade for a little bit of dope. For awhile I let that bother me to the core, I felt violated once again, my possessions that I worked hard for, gone...but you know what? That was the best thing I could have done...not given a crap at that time and left the way I did. For Danny to hit rock bottom as quick as he did (2 months to the day of us leaving he was arrested!), he had no clue what day it was, he was spent, tweaked out...whatever you want to call it he was toast....but it was a HUGE blessing in disquise.

He joined a support group, took Anger Management classes and manned up! May 22 will be 4 years of sobriety, which I praise God for. Sure, we have our arguments, what couples don't? But, I can 100% honestly say, there is no more abuse. Not mental, emotional, physical...nothing....We separated for alittle over a year and had I not left, who knows where we'd be or how life would be going right now, but I can say I am so Thankful the Lord showed his faithfulness and guided me through the darkest storm of my life! He tore us down to build us up, to make us a husband and wife, father and mother. Not just the titles, anyone can say this is my wife...but to say it with pride and the love I see in his eyes today, I now know he truely loves me, as I do him (I'd have to, sheesh...to stay without love woulda been nuts!)...AS for the "father and mother" titles, those too can be a joke, so many say they are a father, but any male can be a sperm donor! Just as any female can be a surrogate! But to show your children what love is, to teach them, be there for them, give them stability and happiness, that is what parents are about, that is what we as a "family" are about.

You know, this is something I believe whole heartedly, having 3 of my own daughters that I love beyond measure and a step daughter who holds a very special place in my heart just as my own girls do, I longed for a son. Honestly, I wanted a son for a VERY long time. Having 6 miscarriages, I thought I could only carry girls, sounds silly, but I honestly believe those miscarriages were boys....Once we changed our lives, I became pregnant again, this time, we finally had our son. Elijah,"OUR" son, my boy... ahhh, what can I say? I am smitten to the core, in love and love being his mommy! Danny wanted a son to carry on his name, just as any man does. But through all the girls, the miscarriages, the BS, it wasn't until he changed...I honestly feel like not only is he a gift, he is our reward for doing good. I am getting older, our girls were 15, 11, 7 & 5 when I found out I was pregnant, and add 1 to their ages when he was born. That's a lot of years in between to start over, infact I pretty much was finished having anymore babies, after Mariah, they were supposed to tie my tubes and the Dr. office never sent the hospital the consent, then I just never went through with it....When they say things happen for a reason, I firmly believe it now!

Well, I am sure this post has been all over the place, it's been a LONG weekend, but a good one. I am alive, breathing, blessed with my kids, celebrating 10 years of being together and all the wonderful changes life has allowed us to go through. Would I recommend to another woman to stay in an abusive relationship? No way! No matter how much you love someone, they have to want to change, and only they can change themselves....as I said, my story is not "A-typical", I was a fortunate and lucky woman to have it work out the way it has. Would I do it all again? Well, yes and no....I would've left alot sooner! But yes, to be where we are today, to be able to share the love we have today in a positive manner, absolutely....I love you Danny, today, tomorrow and for eternity....At Last!