Happy 1st Birthday Son!

Dear Elijah, I just wanted to take a moment and tell you what a joy it is to be your mommy.  Not a day goes by that I don't tell the Lord thank you for blessing our lives with you, nor do I ever NOT tell you a million (well, probably more..hehehe) times a day how much I love you. Just a year ago, you came into this big crazy world weighing 6lb. 12 oz.....a little guy....but big personality! You have shown us as a family, what true love and happiness is. Not only am I madly in love with you, daddy, your sisters, everyone around loves you so very much! Your bright blue eyes sparkle with love and amazement in everything you do. My little man, Aunt KiKi posted this on my facebook, it couldn't be more true......"Happy Birfday to you too sis. You finally got your birthday wish after all these years. lol.".....I wanted you for soooo long and now your here, I am over the moon and cherishing every day I am here to watch you grow and learn!  xoxo Love Mommy

My son, no words to express the love I feel

"love" is not enough,

my heart overflows with so many feelings, watching you grow

watching you learn and become a little person of your own.

The Lord, blessed my life by allowing me to be your mommy....

I can only hope that as you grow and mature, you follow Gods word and become a man of God.

Not letting the worldly influences obstruct your visions, passions and morals.

You've only just celebrated your very 1st birthday, and I feel like your ready to move out..lol, I know, I've got a ways to go on that, but my heart is not ready to let you grow up yet. I love you Lijah Boy........

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY!!

Giving thanks to Jesus!! Today is a great day!!

Just wanted to publicly give praise to God for letting today be a good day. I have faith I will continue this day without the horrendous facial pain I have been feeling non-stop for I don't even know how long! This scripture fits so well into how I am feeling today, so much that I literally feel the Holy Spirit with me, the warmth, the love, the caring and compassion from my father......Praise the Lord, oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is GOOD, for his mercy endures forever, who can utter the mighty acts of the LORD? Who can declare his praise? Psalms 106:1-2

It's not always, I admit outright, that I worship the way I should. It's not always I act like I should....but I do know the how's and whys of doing so in the Lord....Today is one of the days I just feel the need to be vocal, sing, worship, dance for our creator...to let Jesus know I love and appreciate his sacrifice, the pain I feel is nothing to what he had to endure and yet he did it for me...Praise you father......Thank you for your son, for your faithfulness, for your promise and your allowing me to be who I am and still love me regardless of anything I have ever done or ever will do!

May your day be full of God's blessings.......

Randomness....

Just sitting here on the computer while little man sleeps (have I mentioned lately how much I totally LOVE and ADORE him??.....Well, I do!!!)...But I'm just sitting here, looking outside at the beautiful sky. Partial clouds, breezy, the feeling of Fall in the air. I absolutely love Fall. Not the hot heat of summer, but not the cold of winter either. This is going to be a great season, I have my girls who are already talking about their upcoming birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas....and I have my son who will drive us nuts trying to take the ornaments off the tree, yet bring us that joy that is undescribable when he sees the lights of the holiday light up that same tree!  This year we will start teaching Elijah the meaning of Christmas, and the Holy Spirit will fill our home and as we celebrate this holy day (holi-day..get it?). Along with teaching all of our kids of the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of our Lord, we will also give them the childish joys of Santa. Santa will visit our home, bringing gifts to our blessings for being good through out the year. I do not find harm in letting them have the imagination of Santa, as long as they do understand we celebrate for Jesus...which, so far 3 of 4 (because he is so little) do understand. When asked why we celebrate Christmas, they will all tell you "it's Jesus' birthday"....and we always start our morning, before anything, saying a family prayer, and telling God thank you for his son, for the birth of the best gift of all! For without that gift, I don't even want to imagine how life would be. 

I have to "LOL" or laugh out loud as I type this out. My mind is racing, from one subject to another, not sure where I am going with any of this post...Hence the subject "Randomness"....hahaha....darn, today is one of those days, I have so much to do, but would rather be lazy and do nothing. However, it's one of those days that I HAVE to do a few things, man oh man, even Lijah boy is sleeping and being lazy....oh well, maybe tomorrow??

I look around our apartment, anxious....I am so ready to move into a house and know I have to be patient..what's that saying "good things come to those who wait?"....I'm waiting, I sure hope it's good...I am ready to have a normal size kitchen, an extra bathroom...oh boy, the bathroom alone would be amazing....lol....to take a bath without each one of the kids coming in because I've been in the bath too long...and of course, they need to use it....I'll be able to tell them to "go use the other bathroom"....to have an extra bedroom....Britt needs a room to call her own, well, kind of, Lijah will be with us for awhile, but when it's time to transition him into a big boy bed, he will probably share with sissy Nini (Brittany)....if she's still living here...she might leave at 18...or she might be with us til she's 30....I definately would not make her share with the messiness of Dominique or Mariah....OMG, love my kids, but these 2 are messy. EVERYDAY of their little lives, they've been told "put it away"...meaning whatever it was they were using or playing with, put it away when your done, or when you pull something out of your drawer and decide you don't want to wear it, put it back!!....that's almost 7 & 9 years of saying it....they still haven't gotten it....Sometimes, I seriously think they will grow up being like the people on the show "Hoarders"...dear God, please no.....I know I can't say much, if you ask my mom, she'll say my sister and I were the exact same way. I can honestly remember sharing a room with my sister and having to spend the entire day cleaning because we had it so messy, both Christy and I sitting there crying because we had no idea where to start in the ugliness of that mess. I can remember my mom yelling at us out of shear frustration....hmmm....the saying "you reap what you sow" comes to mind as I'm typing this out...not funny...Don't get me wrong, the picture above is not a constant or permanent way I allow them to live. Many times, they have priviliages taken away until their messes are cleaned up. It's up to them how long they want to go without TV, being able to play outside, color, play school....and I don't allow it more than 2 days....but I do understand that frustration my own mom expressed, I too can now say I understand....Well, the time has come to get off this computer and get things done....hey, dishes are all done, bottles soaking, laundry going...but I do need to dust, vacumm and run those errands....Ya know, I am so thankful for being able to come on and read old posts, especially when I am not having too good of a day....A few of them are gentle reminders of different stuff and I can always find the "one" post that changes my mood!  Until the next post, which will probably be later today (I'm just in one of those writing moods), have a blessed day!

Feels like forever.....

Wow, where do I even begin. It feels like forever since I've even jotted down anything other than a grocery list or "to-do" list. Life feels like it's just flying by, not even giving me a chance to catch my breath, let alone take anything in. My oldest Brittany just turned 17....next stop, adulthood. I wonder constantly what her life will be like, so far, she has been a great kid, no drugs, alcohol, nothing like I was. THANK GOD!!  But I wonder if I've done "enough"....Have I taught her enough to sustain herself as an adult or if anything ever happend to me? Enough to live, enough to be strong....just ENOUGH.....I look at my younger kids, Dominique turning 9, Mariah 7...my baby girls, they are growing so fast and all of them are such blessings! My little man, about to turn 1 in just 3 weeks. Now that is enough to make me cry! It's so bittersweet watching this little gift from God. Never did I think I would have my son, never did I realize how much I wanted a son and never did I feel more blessed than I do having a son.  I look at him, his handsome little face, his gorgeous blue eyes, the blond spikey hair....I just love everything about his little man. The chubby little feet, the silly games he likes to play, the big space between his top 2 teeth.....I could go on and on and on....I wish I could hold time still and go back 17 years...9 years....7 years and stay where we are now....to have all my babies still be babies....just past the up at night stage, but still small enough to see the wonder and amazement on their little faces when they see something new and interesting or the excitement when they hear my voice....I love these kids so much, you know, that "so much" feeling when you loose your breath and you can feel it in the pit of your stomach? Yah, that much!

I'm still going through some medical issues, waiting for the neurologist to get me in. Honestly, I am scared to death. Almost a year ago, I had several cat scans and an MRI with contrast, they thought I had either an aneurysm or a brain tumor because I had what they called "a blown pupil", my right eye was bugged out and droopy (look up horners syndrome, that's what I looked like, but that was ruled out as well)...I had no blue round my right eye at all, it was black and one huge pupil! I spent 3 days in the hospital with a team of 8 doctors and not one could figure out what was wrong with me after the above mentioned  was ruled out. I just wish they would say "ok ....blah blah blah...is what you have and this is the plan to manage the pain".....everything is on the right side of my head, the eye pressure and head pain is not a normal migraine or headache, it feels like I have an ice pick stabbing the crap out of the pupil from behind. The side of my nose is pretty much numb and goes up my cheek. My nose is so stuffy and hurts so bad it's ridiculous.  I've been on so many medicines it's sickening. I don't want to be on meds, not if they don't know what's wrong. What if they are giving me crap that is doing more harm than good? I've been on dilantin to relax the nerves, neurontin, vicoden, percocet, oxycotin.....now I'm just taking ibuprofen because I don't want the narcotics. I don't think they understand I can not take those meds, I need to be coherent & able to take care of my kids. I am not a drug addict who has to have them....I will deal with the pain when I have to and if it gets to bad, then I will go to the ER (usually the pain is worse when it's time to go to bed, that's why I say ER). I can only pray and hope that whatever is going on is not terminal. I am so terrified.......My Aunt passed from a brain tumor, my other Aunt (her sister) passed from what started as breast cancer and spread to the brain.....I've been dealing with this pain off and on for almost 6 years, but the last year it doesn't seem to want to go away....(the pupil incident was just last year, but it still gets a bit larger than the left side at times).  They have said it was everything from migraines to facial nerve damage. Who knows, but I do hope the Dr. can get me in real soon!

Well, the computer seems to want to keep freezing so I am going to end and take it as a sign that it's time to go to sleep..... I will update more later....sweet dreams and good night.....God bless!

I still feel the same...transferred from old writings..

So, I was on Myspace earlier and realized I had tried this "blog" thing a time or 2, but it never felt right I guess. I wrote a few times, times when life couldn't be explained any other way than through writing. As I sat and read each one, tears flowed down my cheeks for different reasons (as noted in the writings)....

I thought back to each day, like it was yesterday. My heart broken, skipping a beat, happy, sad, torn, so many emotions. In re-reading these things, I have realized more now than ever how important family is. They are pieces of life's puzzle that when snapped in place, keep it together. The love we have for family continues, even after they've passed on, but the pain stays tucked inside. At a  moments notice, ready to flare up and give you an "in your face" reality check. The puzzle piece is missing......sigh.....

As time goes on, additional pieces are added,  (like the addition of my "Milk Dud"..My nephew Lucas...my sisters youngest....Although he is too little to "know" Charlotte, he will know of her, knowing that she is his sister....as will Elijah, knowing she is his cousin.). once again strengthening the puzzle, but that puzzle will always be weak...Just as the puzzle piece that was broken upon my Aunt Barb's passing. My heart still misses her as well. She was such a wonderful lady, who's life was a blessing to those around her! It's been almost a year and a half and I still hear her voice like I spoke to her 5 minutes ago....

Then the happiness of our vow renewal...WOW...the feelings I felt that day rushed through me all over again! Thank you Jesus for all of these emotions, they let me know I am alive, here to be with my family through all types of situations, and to be able to persevere through it all.....Those we have lost are alive in our memories, we cry for them, we grieve for them, we hurt for them..because we love them!

In closing, this post wasn't really for anybody other than me, so I can come and reflect and when I can't quite remember, the writings will bring it all back...Just as they have done tonight...To my husband, I love you more today than yesterday.......For my niece Charlotte, not a day goes by that Aunt Jenni doesn't think of you, to wonder what you'd look like now, how it would be to see you playing with Lukey & Lijah....to be able to kiss your beautiful face and tell you I love you.....you are forever missed, but I know one day I will be able to see all my hearts desires, just as promised.....Aunt Barb, I miss you deeply, I think of you so very often, I look back at pictures and thank God I was blessed with you for my Aunt. Your smile lit up a room, and your presence made everything better! I too know one day I will see you again, but until then, rest peacefully and know no matter how long until my own time comes, I will remember.....xoxo Jen
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January 15, 2009 - Thursday


Until we meet again....

Current mood: nostalgic

Not to much to write this time...A week after your passing, it's really hitting me today. I find myself weeping, hearing your voice clear as day. I can hear when I'd call and you'd say "Well hello there" and your laugh. You had a one of a kind laugh. I see you with your beautiful full smile, answering the door when we'd come to visit. Always full of life and welcoming, a great big hug and "come in, come in, sooo, how ya doin'?"...It never mattered if we spoke once a week or once a month, we had that closeness. With the exception of the last couple months, not a month went by that we didn't speak... I knew you were sick, you didn't want to sadden anyone. Never looked for pity, never wanted anyone to feel bad for you. I wish I could have been there Aunt Barb, to tell you myself how much I love you and that you'll always be in my heart. I asked Don to squeeze your hand and give you that message for me, to let you know that I'm so very sorry I couldn't be there to say farewell in this life, but I was there in spirit. I know you are with the Lord, free from pain, anguish, sorrow....rejoicing the way we've been promised. During your illness, you never winced, never complained, never let anyone know how bad the cancer affected you. You left this life peacefully, calm, and graceful - just as you lived life....

Well Aunt Barb, it's getting late, I had a few "alone minutes" and wanted to write some of my feelings down. I know if I can be 1/2 the woman you were here on earth, I'll be OK. I love you and will miss you til we are together again...

Love Jenni



**I just wanted to note, this blogging thing is pretty awesome. I just read a post back from Sept. speaking of my Aunt and asking for prayers. The Dr.'s gave her something like 6mo to a year or 18 months. I had asked that if the Lord was bringing her home, to make it quick and pain free. My prayers were answered...What a mighty and faithful father we serve! I was only about 3 1/2 months...Thank you Jesus!
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May 20, 2008 - Tuesday


Time to relax now.....a small novel!

Current mood: drained

OK, so, we renewed our vows Saturday. What a memorable weekend! I feel so full of life (well, right now, I am totally exhausted and kinda feeling sick, all that lead up to the "day" and then finally able to relax...UGH). Anyhow, the day was perfect (well, it would have been if poor Mariah hadn't gotten sick, she was not feeling well but was soooo good! It still turned out wonderful!), our family, close family friends, the mood, the air, everything! We played a few oldies while the guests were being seated (about 50ish), my Dad waited at the entrance of the sanctuary, asked if he was going to walk me down the isle, at the time (which now I totally regret!) I told him "no, I got it daddy, go sit down and relax and enjoy"...I sure wish I would have, but in my mind, it was my way of saying, I have finally grown up and can do this solo...I do wish I would have let him, maybe it's what he wanted, needed, I know I can't go back and change anything, but dang I wish I could! So, he went to sit down and......

Then......

"our song" started, At Last, by Etta James. Now, in the first few seconds of the song it's only music. Then, she, with her sultry voice starts by "At Last, my love has come along....." that is when the girls started walking down the isle, with me about 4 feet behind them. As soon as I entered the church, I could feel the never ending lump in my throat, I could feel what felt like 1000's of eyes on me, my freaking legs were shaking, although nobody said they noticed, but I sure could feel it!

The day, is kind of a blur, like "huh, what, where'd it go" but I do remember glancing a couple times at the crowd in the pews but mostly kept my eyes on Danny. He has totally changed more than I could have EVER hoped for. I am soooo in love with him and ugh, tears rolling down my cheeks again just thinking of the day! Anyways, about 3/4 of the way, I'm looking at Danny, glancing at Pastor Steven (who by the way went above and beyond, he and his wife, who I am pleased to call our friends are a blessing in soo many ways! A million thank yous!!!!). Anyways, I felt like I was about to start crying (and if you know me, you know I HATE to cry in front of people, not a pleasant site, lol) So, to lighten the mood and so I would laugh, I kind of paused, put my hand on my hip and looked at him like "oh yeah big boy" (see pics and I am sure you can figure out which one I am talking about!). But everyone chuckled and it helped pass the crying for the moment. Then, he helped me up to the top of the thingy (stage?). Pastor Steve said some wonderful things, said a prayer and then it was time for the vows. I had already said I wanted to go first so I could at least say 1/2 of them before the waterworks started. 1/2 way through, I paused, held my finger up for a sec, like "hold on" and grabbed a wad of tissue out from between the boobage....yep, everyone laughed through their sniffles! Ahhhh, another good moment! Then came the time for Danny to reaffirm our vows, our marriage, and OHHHH BOY, I couldn't stop crying. Have I mentioned how much I love my husband? Some may think, "your already married, why this elaborate"....well, our original wedding day was pretty crappy. That day is one that although I am glad we were married, it wasn't one to remember. We got married in my dining room, in everyday street clothes, and those that know us, know all the crap that was going on then.....it wasn't a happy, memorable day!

So, with new beginnings, we wanted to do it right and OMG it feels so good, I feel like we are newlyweds for the first time! When we walked out of the church, we walked out to Jagged Edges "Let's get married" remix, a fast, upbeat song and I stopped, made Danny get in front of me and started acting like I was smacking his butt......it was hilarious! I like to have a good time and make everyone laugh, so I succeeded!!!

The reception was nice and relaxing, everyone ate and relaxed and enjoyed the day. Now for me to say the thank yous and let you know why, so Thank you to: all our family, for standing behind us, for traveling from Reno, Riverside, Los Angeles area, Corona, all over California, to come and share our day and see the changes our family has made, to Iylda (a lady, now friend, from church) who volunteered to help and was amazing in herself! Lori, a friend, who I can never thank enough for her photography skills, bless her! She took over 1200 pictures which I can not wait to see! My best friend for almost 20 years, for helping get the girls ready, for driving 10 hours from Oregon to be with us on our wedding day, which was also her birthday, for being the one to bring Danny and I together 8 years ago (even though, it was only supposed to be for one night....uh yeah, we weren't to innocent back then), to Dylan for helping Christy and Iylda in the kitchen! To my Sister Christy, I can never thank you enough for your love, your help, the many nights you listened to me as I cried over leaving my husband and I will never forget your words "The Lord has to break you both down, to build you both up".......Boy has he done it, but seriously sis, you were my support in my darkest times. Your family never shunned Danny, you and Brian prayed and have seen the works of the Lord. You cooked for all of us (in 105 degree heat!), opened your home for the entire weekend and made everyone feel so comfortable and welcomed. You are not only my sister, but one of my best friends. The Lord has blessed me so many times over and has brought us together, I thank you from the bottom of my heart Christy. You are a gift from God, a child of God. Your heart is a heart of Gold and I can never say Thank you enough! You have given me 2 beautiful nieces, one that I can not wait to hold in heaven, and one that I have watched grow into a beautiful (yes, mouthy, but beautiful young lady - remember, I will, find that "Queen Tude" tiara someday!), 2 extremely handsome nephews who never cease to amaze me, and a brother in law that has gone from a little boy who was a smart a$$ and I couldn't stand, to one that I love as my own brother! Danny and I can't tell you enough how much we love and appreciate you both (hot dogs and all.....lol). Anyways, this has become a small novel, but I just wanted to share the joy, the day and the memories as I remember them! I love you all....

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November 28, 2008 - Friday


2 years

Current mood: blessed

So, as I woke this morning, my chest was pounding, my head spinning and I felt really happy, but extremely emotional. Danny called me when he got to work (as he usually does) and I was talking to him about my nephew Zach (he felt his brother move for the first time last night, too cute!). We both had a chuckle out of it and imagined the look on his face as he felt Christy's stomach "bump"....after we hung up, I came in an looked at my Christmas tree (yes, I've already decorated, 1st time ever to be this early!) I started thinking back to 2 years ago, Wow....So much has changed, so much it's really un-imaginable. You know, have you ever felt like time was standing still and memories are the only thing moving, flooding the mind, making you dizzy? Maybe not, maybe I am just that "weird"...

Anyways, 2 years ago, my life was NuTs, CrAzY, InSaNe......I was living with my mom, separated, a single parent, yada yada yada.....Then, Dec. 1 came.....woke up feeling on edge, watched my nephews as my sister went to her ultra-sound.....standing in the kitchen doing dishes, looking out the window, phone rings, I knew....I just knew without looking at the caller ID, I knew when I answered and heard my sisters muffled words, the heart break in her voice. She called to tell me my niece went to be with Jesus, that she saw her heart stop during that ultrasound. We knew Charlotte was special, and Jesus knew she was very Special! He chose to take her home where she would be whole, where she'd live sin free for eternity, never in pain, never knowing grief, never wondering why the world is the way it is. She was one of the chosen ones. Pure. Beautiful. One of a kind.

I remember getting off the phone, going outside and sitting at the patio table, crying, trying to compose myself so the kids wouldn't see something was wrong. I had never "listened" for the Lords words before, but as I sat there, being selfish, crying out to God "why me? Why Lord, why am I going through all of this, first my marriage, being a single parent (again!), and though my mom opened her doors, I know it was hard having 4 extra people there, I knew it wasn't our home, 3 of us in one bed in the extra bedroom, surrounded by dressers, a stuffed closet, My oldest sleeping on a couch in the den, I had just been laid off a month prior, my niece...why, why,why? Out of the blue, clear as day (now, some may really think I've lost it!) but seriously, I heard a voice, kind of - I can't explain it, it was in in my head, but loud as ever......"Yes, you are going through tough times, but this trial wasn't about you, it's about family" Um OK... kind of freaking out......."Had your marriage not gone the way it did, you'd still be in Taft, in the same situation, if not worse. You wouldn't have been here to share in the joy of your sister finding out she was pregnant, or when it was diagnosed that Charlotte was ill, you wouldn't have been here to offer support to her all these months, you wouldn't have your nephews here where they need to be right at this very moment..."

It suddenly became clear, it wasn't about me, my trials, none of it! It was about the Lord preparing us for Charlotte's departure. Had I been in Taft, nothing would have changed. My marriage would still be the same- money issues- HA HA- I wouldn't have had the money to drive up....I would have to support my Sister and her family via the phone...What kind of support is that really? The morning my sister left to deliver Charlotte, I was with my nephews, taking them for Pizza, trying to play games with them to keep their little minds off of "where's mommy".....I was here, where I was needed. I was here because my sister needed me, and would need me. I was here to do what needed to be done, not expecting a pat on the back, not looking for a "way to go"...but because when it comes down to it, the Lord placed me in that place, at that time for his reasoning...

All of that, to get to this: I knew Dec. 1 was coming up, then, Dec. 7, the day Charlotte was born. The grief lessons, but it's still there, lingering, waiting for the moment to creep back up, to flood your mind with memories....I can't imagine how my sister feels, how my brother in law feels, how my niece and nephews feel, but I know how I feel as an Aunt. I still hurt, I remember, I don't forget and will never forget that there are 2 nieces, one here that I can love and joke with, scold when needed (hehehe) and one in heaven, who I'd like to think is watching over all of us, and knowing she is truly loved and missed.

I think I will call my sister today and ask if she'd like to go to the cemetery Monday after the kids have gone back to school. 2 years ago, life was dark, sad, empty in so many ways. Charlotte will never be forgotten or replaced, but this year, we can have our grief, sadness and bittersweet memories, as well as celebrating a happier time. This little boy that is due in March is so much wanted, loved, prayed for. He is beautiful, healthy, an addition to "our" family. You know, after hearing what I heard that day on the patio, my entire perception of life changed. Even though it wasn't about "me" (although, I wish it was for the simple fact that Charlotte would be here)... the bitterness I felt for my husband almost instantly diminished, the ill feelings "GONE"....I realized this whole process may not have been about "my woes, my struggles, my life" it was about "FAMILY"....You know, as I put up the tree, took out the ornaments, the first one I placed, front and center was for Charlotte.....Last year, we did an ornament exchange in her memory. Christy made the most beautiful ornaments, clear bulbs with a black/white transparency of Charlotte's feet, tied with a light pink bow.....Perfect, just as she was..........

Just a rant on stupidity!

First off, this blog is just what I needed....When I said in my side profile, "to moan and groan" this would be one of those posts. I don't mean to offend anyone, but some days I seriously wonder what people are thinking!

First off, I go to a discount store to purchase eye drops. I've been battling chronic dry eye (only my right eye) and the pain gets so intense at times I could have and have cried! I know this store carries brand name stuff for 1/3 the price of the pharmacy. Anyhoo, I went in today and yes, SCORED....I found a life saving (to me anyways) eye drop, it's actually a gel, thick, lasts and ahhh relief! However, when I go to pay, the lady in front of me has over $200 of crap. EVERY SINGLE ITEM, she disputed the price, saying it was anywhere from 50 cents to a dollar different.....1st rant.....The checker goes to check the prices on a few of the items, calls another checker, yay for me right? Nope, by this time there were 3 people behind me, the new checker calls the lady behind me to her line "I can help you right here"....WTH?? Everyone of them went to the other line...5 people later I finally paid and left, only to see the disputing $200 discount store shopper loading everything into a brand new, no plates yet Mercedes.....Pissed? Just a bit...No, not because she was in a brand new Mercedes, but because she wasted my time! lol

Then, from the discount store, I head over to pick up my youngest daughter and nephew from school. They get into the "mom van", buckle up, we take off.  I was coming up to the corner I needed to turn left on, signal, start slowing down and in my rear-view mirror, I see this little white pickup truck hauling buns....I seriously thought he was going to plow right into the back of me. Mind you, this is a residential neighborhood....So, the guy doesn't plow into me, but jets around me (illegal!)....Kids all over the place walking home from school. In fact, the reason I didn't turn was because there was a kid crossing the street to my side, as well as a car coming from the opposite direction. That dummy could have hit a kid, he didn't know if I was stopping for the oncoming car or what. I mean, what if a kid had been crossing in front of me? It just made me so upset. As he passes, I realize it is a city worker....ooh, made me even more upset. I took note of the vehicle number, the time and the streets....Yep, call me a tattle tale, but what if it was one of your kids walking home ya know? This situation could have turned bad real quick.

So, this is my daily rant (s), nothing to get to upset over, but hey, we all have those days.....

Let it flow....

You know, when I was abit younger, I loved to write. I would write stories, poems, anything....I have to LOL because as I was typing out the first sentence, I was thinking, man, I even wrote letters..Something not to many people do anymore with the email, text messages, internet message boards...Any way, I absolutely loved to write, didn't matter what the subject was about, I could do it. English was always one of my favorite classes in school, verbs, nouns, you name it, I aced it! I had quite a collection of poems (this was really my favorite to write), a whole little hard cover book full of poems. I had been collecting them since elementary school and as I got older, I transferred all of them into this neat little book. Once Brittany was born, I wrote many poems about her, for her and to her. I even had one published in a book. Sadly, both the book of poems and the book my poem was published in are now a thing of the past (when I left with the girls, I left the books...oh well, they are only material right?).

I guess my whole reason for this post is I feel like I have an outlet, someplace to not only share my life with whoever is interested, but a place I can once again store poems, stories, whatever is on my mind (even if it makes no sense to anyone other than me...even if the poems, stories, whatever are boring, blah or ridiculous). Someplace to zone out and in a sense, be productive. I may not be up dusting, folding laundry, mopping floors, I mean common' you can only do so much of that...But I can be productive in another way. I haven't actually sat down to write anything (other than a grocery list or to fill out an envelope filled with pictures of the kids to be mailed out) for so long that it feels good to just let the thoughts flow.

This blog thing might just have something to it....I never understood why there were so many blogs, I think I just might understand now. I'm not sure if it's the newness, or a new found addiction, but I'm enjoying whatever it is.

Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow.......

A mother's love....

Thinking back, to my younger days, partying with friends, catching the rays...
Thinking back, I had it all, nothing mattered, just having a ball....
Thinking back, life was grand, sleeping in, money in hand....
Thinking back, I had a good childhood, lot's of family and friends so dear.....
Thinking back, I never knew the love I would feel in just a few short years....

Here in the present, it's now my children's parties that I plan, drive all over and meet their demands...
Here in the present, I know - I am who I am, all because of the life I had way back when....
Here in the present, my life is great, may not have the money in hand, and no more sleeping til noon, but I knew life would change as soon as I had you.....
Here in the present, my kids bring me a love that comes from deep within the heart, it's unconditional and was there from the start...
 Here in the present, I thank the Lord each day, for blessing me with my babies that I've watched sleep, grow and play....
Here in the present, know that I love you and it continues to grow....It's only a love that a mother would know....

I love you Britt, Nique, Riah and Lijah boy......You will always be my babies, even when your old and gray...You all have brought such joy and love into my life, in a lot of the same ways, and in many different ways. It really doesn't matter how, all I know is I never knew this type of love until you were conceived and then born. It's a totally different type of love than I have for my parents, siblings, husband, friends....This love is an undying, mind blowing love. I love you to the moon and back and forever and eternity....
Love Mommy

The life and death of a stranger

So this post isn't about my family or close friends. More so about an acquaintance and his kids. My heart is breaking right now, for this particular family here in our town. Why? I'm not friends with them, I have never socialized with them, I only know Jay from the tattoo shop. Yes, he did one of the many I have. That was the beginning of a tragic end.

You see, Jay (the tattoo guy), my husband & I were talking while he was preparing to do a butterfly on the top of my foot, about family, kids...blah blah blah...He said he and his wife Victoria had 2 kids, a boy and a girl. They had been together for like 17 years, since she was 13 & he was 16. Nobody thought they would make it....He spoke with such love, such adoration, so much emotion....then he said his wife was dying from stage 4 lymphoma. She had went into remission, but it came back even stronger. They had been looking for bone marrow donors, but couldn't afford the transplant and he was praying for a miracle. OK, that in itself broke my heart. I couldn't even imagine how he felt.  At the same time, my Aunt was dying from breast cancer which had spread to her brain (which the brain cancer is what ultimately took her life in January 2009), but I couldn't compare the love of a spouse to the love for an Aunt ya know? But over the last year and a half, I'd run into Jay here and there, he was always so polite and friendly. Not long ago, around Christmas, I ran into him at Rite-Aid, we both went to the photo counter to pay for our purchases, he first. As he turned around, he looked tired, sad...troubled...he smiled and said "hi", I did the same back. Then, I asked how his wife was doing. The smile slowly faded to an almost quivering lip, he stated she wasn't doing good and the Dr. thought she only had a few months to live. I told him, "I'm so sorry" and felt a lump in my own throat bigger than Mount Shasta. Had he been a good friend, I would have given him a hug, just because he looked like he could really use one..But, I didn't..I just told him I'd keep his family in prayer and we went our separate ways.

Fast forward to last week. I normally go online daily and read our local newspaper every morning. So, without missing a beat, I signed on, went to the papers online paper, and on the front there was an article "Victoria coming home as cancer takes control"...immediately, I felt like I did that day at Rite-Aid...couldn't swallow my coffee and felt the urge to cry...Call me emotional, but this family really struck a cord with me! I read the article, apparently she had been in and out of different hospitals, but the Dr.'s said her  heart & lungs were filled with fluid and it was time to let her go home with hospice to help care for her. Again, my heart sank and I just really felt bad for this family.

So, a couple days ago, I did my usual morning routine after the kids got off to school. Elijah drank a bottle and fell asleep, I sat at my computer, checked my facebook, myspace, emails on both accounts....went back into my favorites and clicked on the newspaper. I immediately noticed one of the top stories "Victoria M. loses her battle with cancer"......My eyes welled with tears, I felt at that moment like I had lost someone I actually knew. A family member or close friend. I thought of Jay, the way he spoke of his wife, how much he loved her, about their kids...what they must be feeling or not feeling, most likely being in shock. I couldn't fathom (and thankful, in my own selfish way, didn't have to) the feelings this family must be going through. She was gone, took her last breath, which, I can only pray for her was pain free.  Honestly, even though I read the article, I looked for her obituary, to see when her service would be. There was nothing in the paper, of course not, it was too soon. Give it a day or 2...The next morning, I checked the obit section and there it was. May 17....the day she passed, just 7 days after her 34th birthday. I read the details on the service and felt the lump re-appear, this time even bigger. You see, 12 hours after she took her last breath, her father also passed away. I don't know the details, but because I am human, and humans after all assume....I assume he couldn't handle the thought of his daughter dying (after all, he was 83), maybe he had a heart attack, maybe he was sick...I don't know....but at that moment, reading the obit, a whole lot of emotions overcame me.

This family is not only suffering, grieving and missing a wife, mother, daughter...but a father in law, grandfather & husband. How sad, how tragic.....

Today, after picking up my high schooler, I had to run a few errands. As we went to the store, then the bank, we had to pass the church where the service for both daughter and father was being held. Two hearse, parked in front of the church, they were in the process of taking the second casket out. People surrounding both, hugging, crying, talking....It was that instant that I realized it wasn't just an article or sad story I read. It was real, it was sad, no, heart wrenching. We passed and I traveled on to pick up my little ones at school, tears streaming down my face, the road blurry, my oldest in her own thoughts and teary eyed as well.....

I parked in front of the school as usual, but this time, I slid the drivers seat back to where I could see my son, who in just 3 days will be 7 months. Such a big boy, smiling, laughing at the faces I was making at him...Just he and I, as Britt walked to the entrance to pick up her sisters and cousin....I thanked God for the gifts of my children and asked he allow me to see them fully grow up. To allow them the peace of not losing a parent at a young age and if it did happen that I were to go before they were grown, to please, let them know how much I loved them. To leave a legacy that when I spoke of my kids, how my face would light up, my voice would pour out the love I have for them and that it was never questioned how much I loved them. They are my life and I hope they always know it.

With all of that being said, just as Jay spoke of his wife, I just know she spoke of her children the same way....Just by the words I heard that December day, forever having ink embedded into my skin...that family radiated love for one another, in action, words and feelings. Rest in Peace Victoria and Frank (her daddy)...for not knowing you, you sure have left an impression on how love is supposed to be.....

10 Years.....

What a first to "blog" about....but it's sentimental to me! Today is the 10 year anniversary of when Danny and I first "went out"...It's actually funny because back then, I never imagined it leading us to where we are today. Not only is today our 10 year anniversary of being together, it is also our 7 year wedding anniversary. Yes, 7 years ago we "got hitched". Our lives have changed so much, can't complain at all.

The first years were the hardest, living with an drug addict is not an easy life. Financially it took its toll of course, but there was abuse beyond measure. Why I stayed, I honestly don't know. Partially scared to leave, Maybe the kids.. I had Brittany from a previous, he had D who lives with her mom & then "we" had Dominique prior to getting married and I was about 4 months pregnant with Mariah when we did get married. The drug use played the bigged part in the abuse. Domestic Violence is not something anyone should ever experience, but sadly, it does exist, it is real and it sucks! My story is not "A-typical" though. My story has a happy ending (so far), my marriage became stronger, I did not end up in the hospital or worse, the morgue. My husband broke his abusive behavior and has now been sober for almost 4 years!

How did my life go from abuse to loving? I finally had enough and left. After being married for only 3 years, I couldn't take it any longer, I took the girls, packed my van with a few clothes for the kids, grabbed what I needed and left my husband. I called my own mother who picked up the girls and took them to her house 300 or so miles away and believe me she was skeptical, so many times I said I was done, even sitting there with a black eye and consussion, only to take the monster back. But I didn't take him back (yet). After my mom took my girls, I was able to grab photo albums and the rest of our clothes, all the while He begged me to stay, he pleaded on the phone for me to come back, even with other females in my house...yes, he had numerous females staying there when I left, even answering my phone. Well, I guess since I left, it was no longer mine but you know it was...my material possessions were still there, though I'd never get them back! He hit rock bottom and everything went to the dealer, the skanks...(oops, did I really just say that?? lol) who filtered through what they wanted, could sale for a quick buck or trade for a little bit of dope. For awhile I let that bother me to the core, I felt violated once again, my possessions that I worked hard for, gone...but you know what? That was the best thing I could have done...not given a crap at that time and left the way I did. For Danny to hit rock bottom as quick as he did (2 months to the day of us leaving he was arrested!), he had no clue what day it was, he was spent, tweaked out...whatever you want to call it he was toast....but it was a HUGE blessing in disquise.

He joined a support group, took Anger Management classes and manned up! May 22 will be 4 years of sobriety, which I praise God for. Sure, we have our arguments, what couples don't? But, I can 100% honestly say, there is no more abuse. Not mental, emotional, physical...nothing....We separated for alittle over a year and had I not left, who knows where we'd be or how life would be going right now, but I can say I am so Thankful the Lord showed his faithfulness and guided me through the darkest storm of my life! He tore us down to build us up, to make us a husband and wife, father and mother. Not just the titles, anyone can say this is my wife...but to say it with pride and the love I see in his eyes today, I now know he truely loves me, as I do him (I'd have to, sheesh...to stay without love woulda been nuts!)...AS for the "father and mother" titles, those too can be a joke, so many say they are a father, but any male can be a sperm donor! Just as any female can be a surrogate! But to show your children what love is, to teach them, be there for them, give them stability and happiness, that is what parents are about, that is what we as a "family" are about.

You know, this is something I believe whole heartedly, having 3 of my own daughters that I love beyond measure and a step daughter who holds a very special place in my heart just as my own girls do, I longed for a son. Honestly, I wanted a son for a VERY long time. Having 6 miscarriages, I thought I could only carry girls, sounds silly, but I honestly believe those miscarriages were boys....Once we changed our lives, I became pregnant again, this time, we finally had our son. Elijah,"OUR" son, my boy... ahhh, what can I say? I am smitten to the core, in love and love being his mommy! Danny wanted a son to carry on his name, just as any man does. But through all the girls, the miscarriages, the BS, it wasn't until he changed...I honestly feel like not only is he a gift, he is our reward for doing good. I am getting older, our girls were 15, 11, 7 & 5 when I found out I was pregnant, and add 1 to their ages when he was born. That's a lot of years in between to start over, infact I pretty much was finished having anymore babies, after Mariah, they were supposed to tie my tubes and the Dr. office never sent the hospital the consent, then I just never went through with it....When they say things happen for a reason, I firmly believe it now!

Well, I am sure this post has been all over the place, it's been a LONG weekend, but a good one. I am alive, breathing, blessed with my kids, celebrating 10 years of being together and all the wonderful changes life has allowed us to go through. Would I recommend to another woman to stay in an abusive relationship? No way! No matter how much you love someone, they have to want to change, and only they can change themselves....as I said, my story is not "A-typical", I was a fortunate and lucky woman to have it work out the way it has. Would I do it all again? Well, yes and no....I would've left alot sooner! But yes, to be where we are today, to be able to share the love we have today in a positive manner, absolutely....I love you Danny, today, tomorrow and for eternity....At Last!