I still feel the same...transferred from old writings..

So, I was on Myspace earlier and realized I had tried this "blog" thing a time or 2, but it never felt right I guess. I wrote a few times, times when life couldn't be explained any other way than through writing. As I sat and read each one, tears flowed down my cheeks for different reasons (as noted in the writings)....

I thought back to each day, like it was yesterday. My heart broken, skipping a beat, happy, sad, torn, so many emotions. In re-reading these things, I have realized more now than ever how important family is. They are pieces of life's puzzle that when snapped in place, keep it together. The love we have for family continues, even after they've passed on, but the pain stays tucked inside. At a  moments notice, ready to flare up and give you an "in your face" reality check. The puzzle piece is missing......sigh.....

As time goes on, additional pieces are added,  (like the addition of my "Milk Dud"..My nephew Lucas...my sisters youngest....Although he is too little to "know" Charlotte, he will know of her, knowing that she is his sister....as will Elijah, knowing she is his cousin.). once again strengthening the puzzle, but that puzzle will always be weak...Just as the puzzle piece that was broken upon my Aunt Barb's passing. My heart still misses her as well. She was such a wonderful lady, who's life was a blessing to those around her! It's been almost a year and a half and I still hear her voice like I spoke to her 5 minutes ago....

Then the happiness of our vow renewal...WOW...the feelings I felt that day rushed through me all over again! Thank you Jesus for all of these emotions, they let me know I am alive, here to be with my family through all types of situations, and to be able to persevere through it all.....Those we have lost are alive in our memories, we cry for them, we grieve for them, we hurt for them..because we love them!

In closing, this post wasn't really for anybody other than me, so I can come and reflect and when I can't quite remember, the writings will bring it all back...Just as they have done tonight...To my husband, I love you more today than yesterday.......For my niece Charlotte, not a day goes by that Aunt Jenni doesn't think of you, to wonder what you'd look like now, how it would be to see you playing with Lukey & Lijah....to be able to kiss your beautiful face and tell you I love you.....you are forever missed, but I know one day I will be able to see all my hearts desires, just as promised.....Aunt Barb, I miss you deeply, I think of you so very often, I look back at pictures and thank God I was blessed with you for my Aunt. Your smile lit up a room, and your presence made everything better! I too know one day I will see you again, but until then, rest peacefully and know no matter how long until my own time comes, I will remember.....xoxo Jen
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January 15, 2009 - Thursday


Until we meet again....

Current mood: nostalgic

Not to much to write this time...A week after your passing, it's really hitting me today. I find myself weeping, hearing your voice clear as day. I can hear when I'd call and you'd say "Well hello there" and your laugh. You had a one of a kind laugh. I see you with your beautiful full smile, answering the door when we'd come to visit. Always full of life and welcoming, a great big hug and "come in, come in, sooo, how ya doin'?"...It never mattered if we spoke once a week or once a month, we had that closeness. With the exception of the last couple months, not a month went by that we didn't speak... I knew you were sick, you didn't want to sadden anyone. Never looked for pity, never wanted anyone to feel bad for you. I wish I could have been there Aunt Barb, to tell you myself how much I love you and that you'll always be in my heart. I asked Don to squeeze your hand and give you that message for me, to let you know that I'm so very sorry I couldn't be there to say farewell in this life, but I was there in spirit. I know you are with the Lord, free from pain, anguish, sorrow....rejoicing the way we've been promised. During your illness, you never winced, never complained, never let anyone know how bad the cancer affected you. You left this life peacefully, calm, and graceful - just as you lived life....

Well Aunt Barb, it's getting late, I had a few "alone minutes" and wanted to write some of my feelings down. I know if I can be 1/2 the woman you were here on earth, I'll be OK. I love you and will miss you til we are together again...

Love Jenni



**I just wanted to note, this blogging thing is pretty awesome. I just read a post back from Sept. speaking of my Aunt and asking for prayers. The Dr.'s gave her something like 6mo to a year or 18 months. I had asked that if the Lord was bringing her home, to make it quick and pain free. My prayers were answered...What a mighty and faithful father we serve! I was only about 3 1/2 months...Thank you Jesus!
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May 20, 2008 - Tuesday


Time to relax now.....a small novel!

Current mood: drained

OK, so, we renewed our vows Saturday. What a memorable weekend! I feel so full of life (well, right now, I am totally exhausted and kinda feeling sick, all that lead up to the "day" and then finally able to relax...UGH). Anyhow, the day was perfect (well, it would have been if poor Mariah hadn't gotten sick, she was not feeling well but was soooo good! It still turned out wonderful!), our family, close family friends, the mood, the air, everything! We played a few oldies while the guests were being seated (about 50ish), my Dad waited at the entrance of the sanctuary, asked if he was going to walk me down the isle, at the time (which now I totally regret!) I told him "no, I got it daddy, go sit down and relax and enjoy"...I sure wish I would have, but in my mind, it was my way of saying, I have finally grown up and can do this solo...I do wish I would have let him, maybe it's what he wanted, needed, I know I can't go back and change anything, but dang I wish I could! So, he went to sit down and......

Then......

"our song" started, At Last, by Etta James. Now, in the first few seconds of the song it's only music. Then, she, with her sultry voice starts by "At Last, my love has come along....." that is when the girls started walking down the isle, with me about 4 feet behind them. As soon as I entered the church, I could feel the never ending lump in my throat, I could feel what felt like 1000's of eyes on me, my freaking legs were shaking, although nobody said they noticed, but I sure could feel it!

The day, is kind of a blur, like "huh, what, where'd it go" but I do remember glancing a couple times at the crowd in the pews but mostly kept my eyes on Danny. He has totally changed more than I could have EVER hoped for. I am soooo in love with him and ugh, tears rolling down my cheeks again just thinking of the day! Anyways, about 3/4 of the way, I'm looking at Danny, glancing at Pastor Steven (who by the way went above and beyond, he and his wife, who I am pleased to call our friends are a blessing in soo many ways! A million thank yous!!!!). Anyways, I felt like I was about to start crying (and if you know me, you know I HATE to cry in front of people, not a pleasant site, lol) So, to lighten the mood and so I would laugh, I kind of paused, put my hand on my hip and looked at him like "oh yeah big boy" (see pics and I am sure you can figure out which one I am talking about!). But everyone chuckled and it helped pass the crying for the moment. Then, he helped me up to the top of the thingy (stage?). Pastor Steve said some wonderful things, said a prayer and then it was time for the vows. I had already said I wanted to go first so I could at least say 1/2 of them before the waterworks started. 1/2 way through, I paused, held my finger up for a sec, like "hold on" and grabbed a wad of tissue out from between the boobage....yep, everyone laughed through their sniffles! Ahhhh, another good moment! Then came the time for Danny to reaffirm our vows, our marriage, and OHHHH BOY, I couldn't stop crying. Have I mentioned how much I love my husband? Some may think, "your already married, why this elaborate"....well, our original wedding day was pretty crappy. That day is one that although I am glad we were married, it wasn't one to remember. We got married in my dining room, in everyday street clothes, and those that know us, know all the crap that was going on then.....it wasn't a happy, memorable day!

So, with new beginnings, we wanted to do it right and OMG it feels so good, I feel like we are newlyweds for the first time! When we walked out of the church, we walked out to Jagged Edges "Let's get married" remix, a fast, upbeat song and I stopped, made Danny get in front of me and started acting like I was smacking his butt......it was hilarious! I like to have a good time and make everyone laugh, so I succeeded!!!

The reception was nice and relaxing, everyone ate and relaxed and enjoyed the day. Now for me to say the thank yous and let you know why, so Thank you to: all our family, for standing behind us, for traveling from Reno, Riverside, Los Angeles area, Corona, all over California, to come and share our day and see the changes our family has made, to Iylda (a lady, now friend, from church) who volunteered to help and was amazing in herself! Lori, a friend, who I can never thank enough for her photography skills, bless her! She took over 1200 pictures which I can not wait to see! My best friend for almost 20 years, for helping get the girls ready, for driving 10 hours from Oregon to be with us on our wedding day, which was also her birthday, for being the one to bring Danny and I together 8 years ago (even though, it was only supposed to be for one night....uh yeah, we weren't to innocent back then), to Dylan for helping Christy and Iylda in the kitchen! To my Sister Christy, I can never thank you enough for your love, your help, the many nights you listened to me as I cried over leaving my husband and I will never forget your words "The Lord has to break you both down, to build you both up".......Boy has he done it, but seriously sis, you were my support in my darkest times. Your family never shunned Danny, you and Brian prayed and have seen the works of the Lord. You cooked for all of us (in 105 degree heat!), opened your home for the entire weekend and made everyone feel so comfortable and welcomed. You are not only my sister, but one of my best friends. The Lord has blessed me so many times over and has brought us together, I thank you from the bottom of my heart Christy. You are a gift from God, a child of God. Your heart is a heart of Gold and I can never say Thank you enough! You have given me 2 beautiful nieces, one that I can not wait to hold in heaven, and one that I have watched grow into a beautiful (yes, mouthy, but beautiful young lady - remember, I will, find that "Queen Tude" tiara someday!), 2 extremely handsome nephews who never cease to amaze me, and a brother in law that has gone from a little boy who was a smart a$$ and I couldn't stand, to one that I love as my own brother! Danny and I can't tell you enough how much we love and appreciate you both (hot dogs and all.....lol). Anyways, this has become a small novel, but I just wanted to share the joy, the day and the memories as I remember them! I love you all....

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November 28, 2008 - Friday


2 years

Current mood: blessed

So, as I woke this morning, my chest was pounding, my head spinning and I felt really happy, but extremely emotional. Danny called me when he got to work (as he usually does) and I was talking to him about my nephew Zach (he felt his brother move for the first time last night, too cute!). We both had a chuckle out of it and imagined the look on his face as he felt Christy's stomach "bump"....after we hung up, I came in an looked at my Christmas tree (yes, I've already decorated, 1st time ever to be this early!) I started thinking back to 2 years ago, Wow....So much has changed, so much it's really un-imaginable. You know, have you ever felt like time was standing still and memories are the only thing moving, flooding the mind, making you dizzy? Maybe not, maybe I am just that "weird"...

Anyways, 2 years ago, my life was NuTs, CrAzY, InSaNe......I was living with my mom, separated, a single parent, yada yada yada.....Then, Dec. 1 came.....woke up feeling on edge, watched my nephews as my sister went to her ultra-sound.....standing in the kitchen doing dishes, looking out the window, phone rings, I knew....I just knew without looking at the caller ID, I knew when I answered and heard my sisters muffled words, the heart break in her voice. She called to tell me my niece went to be with Jesus, that she saw her heart stop during that ultrasound. We knew Charlotte was special, and Jesus knew she was very Special! He chose to take her home where she would be whole, where she'd live sin free for eternity, never in pain, never knowing grief, never wondering why the world is the way it is. She was one of the chosen ones. Pure. Beautiful. One of a kind.

I remember getting off the phone, going outside and sitting at the patio table, crying, trying to compose myself so the kids wouldn't see something was wrong. I had never "listened" for the Lords words before, but as I sat there, being selfish, crying out to God "why me? Why Lord, why am I going through all of this, first my marriage, being a single parent (again!), and though my mom opened her doors, I know it was hard having 4 extra people there, I knew it wasn't our home, 3 of us in one bed in the extra bedroom, surrounded by dressers, a stuffed closet, My oldest sleeping on a couch in the den, I had just been laid off a month prior, my niece...why, why,why? Out of the blue, clear as day (now, some may really think I've lost it!) but seriously, I heard a voice, kind of - I can't explain it, it was in in my head, but loud as ever......"Yes, you are going through tough times, but this trial wasn't about you, it's about family" Um OK... kind of freaking out......."Had your marriage not gone the way it did, you'd still be in Taft, in the same situation, if not worse. You wouldn't have been here to share in the joy of your sister finding out she was pregnant, or when it was diagnosed that Charlotte was ill, you wouldn't have been here to offer support to her all these months, you wouldn't have your nephews here where they need to be right at this very moment..."

It suddenly became clear, it wasn't about me, my trials, none of it! It was about the Lord preparing us for Charlotte's departure. Had I been in Taft, nothing would have changed. My marriage would still be the same- money issues- HA HA- I wouldn't have had the money to drive up....I would have to support my Sister and her family via the phone...What kind of support is that really? The morning my sister left to deliver Charlotte, I was with my nephews, taking them for Pizza, trying to play games with them to keep their little minds off of "where's mommy".....I was here, where I was needed. I was here because my sister needed me, and would need me. I was here to do what needed to be done, not expecting a pat on the back, not looking for a "way to go"...but because when it comes down to it, the Lord placed me in that place, at that time for his reasoning...

All of that, to get to this: I knew Dec. 1 was coming up, then, Dec. 7, the day Charlotte was born. The grief lessons, but it's still there, lingering, waiting for the moment to creep back up, to flood your mind with memories....I can't imagine how my sister feels, how my brother in law feels, how my niece and nephews feel, but I know how I feel as an Aunt. I still hurt, I remember, I don't forget and will never forget that there are 2 nieces, one here that I can love and joke with, scold when needed (hehehe) and one in heaven, who I'd like to think is watching over all of us, and knowing she is truly loved and missed.

I think I will call my sister today and ask if she'd like to go to the cemetery Monday after the kids have gone back to school. 2 years ago, life was dark, sad, empty in so many ways. Charlotte will never be forgotten or replaced, but this year, we can have our grief, sadness and bittersweet memories, as well as celebrating a happier time. This little boy that is due in March is so much wanted, loved, prayed for. He is beautiful, healthy, an addition to "our" family. You know, after hearing what I heard that day on the patio, my entire perception of life changed. Even though it wasn't about "me" (although, I wish it was for the simple fact that Charlotte would be here)... the bitterness I felt for my husband almost instantly diminished, the ill feelings "GONE"....I realized this whole process may not have been about "my woes, my struggles, my life" it was about "FAMILY"....You know, as I put up the tree, took out the ornaments, the first one I placed, front and center was for Charlotte.....Last year, we did an ornament exchange in her memory. Christy made the most beautiful ornaments, clear bulbs with a black/white transparency of Charlotte's feet, tied with a light pink bow.....Perfect, just as she was..........

Just a rant on stupidity!

First off, this blog is just what I needed....When I said in my side profile, "to moan and groan" this would be one of those posts. I don't mean to offend anyone, but some days I seriously wonder what people are thinking!

First off, I go to a discount store to purchase eye drops. I've been battling chronic dry eye (only my right eye) and the pain gets so intense at times I could have and have cried! I know this store carries brand name stuff for 1/3 the price of the pharmacy. Anyhoo, I went in today and yes, SCORED....I found a life saving (to me anyways) eye drop, it's actually a gel, thick, lasts and ahhh relief! However, when I go to pay, the lady in front of me has over $200 of crap. EVERY SINGLE ITEM, she disputed the price, saying it was anywhere from 50 cents to a dollar different.....1st rant.....The checker goes to check the prices on a few of the items, calls another checker, yay for me right? Nope, by this time there were 3 people behind me, the new checker calls the lady behind me to her line "I can help you right here"....WTH?? Everyone of them went to the other line...5 people later I finally paid and left, only to see the disputing $200 discount store shopper loading everything into a brand new, no plates yet Mercedes.....Pissed? Just a bit...No, not because she was in a brand new Mercedes, but because she wasted my time! lol

Then, from the discount store, I head over to pick up my youngest daughter and nephew from school. They get into the "mom van", buckle up, we take off.  I was coming up to the corner I needed to turn left on, signal, start slowing down and in my rear-view mirror, I see this little white pickup truck hauling buns....I seriously thought he was going to plow right into the back of me. Mind you, this is a residential neighborhood....So, the guy doesn't plow into me, but jets around me (illegal!)....Kids all over the place walking home from school. In fact, the reason I didn't turn was because there was a kid crossing the street to my side, as well as a car coming from the opposite direction. That dummy could have hit a kid, he didn't know if I was stopping for the oncoming car or what. I mean, what if a kid had been crossing in front of me? It just made me so upset. As he passes, I realize it is a city worker....ooh, made me even more upset. I took note of the vehicle number, the time and the streets....Yep, call me a tattle tale, but what if it was one of your kids walking home ya know? This situation could have turned bad real quick.

So, this is my daily rant (s), nothing to get to upset over, but hey, we all have those days.....