You know, when I was abit younger, I loved to write. I would write stories, poems, anything....I have to LOL because as I was typing out the first sentence, I was thinking, man, I even wrote letters..Something not to many people do anymore with the email, text messages, internet message boards...Any way, I absolutely loved to write, didn't matter what the subject was about, I could do it. English was always one of my favorite classes in school, verbs, nouns, you name it, I aced it! I had quite a collection of poems (this was really my favorite to write), a whole little hard cover book full of poems. I had been collecting them since elementary school and as I got older, I transferred all of them into this neat little book. Once Brittany was born, I wrote many poems about her, for her and to her. I even had one published in a book. Sadly, both the book of poems and the book my poem was published in are now a thing of the past (when I left with the girls, I left the books...oh well, they are only material right?).
I guess my whole reason for this post is I feel like I have an outlet, someplace to not only share my life with whoever is interested, but a place I can once again store poems, stories, whatever is on my mind (even if it makes no sense to anyone other than me...even if the poems, stories, whatever are boring, blah or ridiculous). Someplace to zone out and in a sense, be productive. I may not be up dusting, folding laundry, mopping floors, I mean common' you can only do so much of that...But I can be productive in another way. I haven't actually sat down to write anything (other than a grocery list or to fill out an envelope filled with pictures of the kids to be mailed out) for so long that it feels good to just let the thoughts flow.
This blog thing might just have something to it....I never understood why there were so many blogs, I think I just might understand now. I'm not sure if it's the newness, or a new found addiction, but I'm enjoying whatever it is.
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow.......
A mother's love....
Thinking back, to my younger days, partying with friends, catching the rays...
Thinking back, I had it all, nothing mattered, just having a ball....
Thinking back, life was grand, sleeping in, money in hand....
Thinking back, I had a good childhood, lot's of family and friends so dear.....
Thinking back, I never knew the love I would feel in just a few short years....
Here in the present, it's now my children's parties that I plan, drive all over and meet their demands...
Here in the present, I know - I am who I am, all because of the life I had way back when....
Here in the present, my life is great, may not have the money in hand, and no more sleeping til noon, but I knew life would change as soon as I had you.....
Here in the present, my kids bring me a love that comes from deep within the heart, it's unconditional and was there from the start...
Here in the present, I thank the Lord each day, for blessing me with my babies that I've watched sleep, grow and play....
Here in the present, know that I love you and it continues to grow....It's only a love that a mother would know....
I love you Britt, Nique, Riah and Lijah boy......You will always be my babies, even when your old and gray...You all have brought such joy and love into my life, in a lot of the same ways, and in many different ways. It really doesn't matter how, all I know is I never knew this type of love until you were conceived and then born. It's a totally different type of love than I have for my parents, siblings, husband, friends....This love is an undying, mind blowing love. I love you to the moon and back and forever and eternity....
Love Mommy
Friday, May 21, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The life and death of a stranger
So this post isn't about my family or close friends. More so about an acquaintance and his kids. My heart is breaking right now, for this particular family here in our town. Why? I'm not friends with them, I have never socialized with them, I only know Jay from the tattoo shop. Yes, he did one of the many I have. That was the beginning of a tragic end.
You see, Jay (the tattoo guy), my husband & I were talking while he was preparing to do a butterfly on the top of my foot, about family, kids...blah blah blah...He said he and his wife Victoria had 2 kids, a boy and a girl. They had been together for like 17 years, since she was 13 & he was 16. Nobody thought they would make it....He spoke with such love, such adoration, so much emotion....then he said his wife was dying from stage 4 lymphoma. She had went into remission, but it came back even stronger. They had been looking for bone marrow donors, but couldn't afford the transplant and he was praying for a miracle. OK, that in itself broke my heart. I couldn't even imagine how he felt. At the same time, my Aunt was dying from breast cancer which had spread to her brain (which the brain cancer is what ultimately took her life in January 2009), but I couldn't compare the love of a spouse to the love for an Aunt ya know? But over the last year and a half, I'd run into Jay here and there, he was always so polite and friendly. Not long ago, around Christmas, I ran into him at Rite-Aid, we both went to the photo counter to pay for our purchases, he first. As he turned around, he looked tired, sad...troubled...he smiled and said "hi", I did the same back. Then, I asked how his wife was doing. The smile slowly faded to an almost quivering lip, he stated she wasn't doing good and the Dr. thought she only had a few months to live. I told him, "I'm so sorry" and felt a lump in my own throat bigger than Mount Shasta. Had he been a good friend, I would have given him a hug, just because he looked like he could really use one..But, I didn't..I just told him I'd keep his family in prayer and we went our separate ways.
Fast forward to last week. I normally go online daily and read our local newspaper every morning. So, without missing a beat, I signed on, went to the papers online paper, and on the front there was an article "Victoria coming home as cancer takes control"...immediately, I felt like I did that day at Rite-Aid...couldn't swallow my coffee and felt the urge to cry...Call me emotional, but this family really struck a cord with me! I read the article, apparently she had been in and out of different hospitals, but the Dr.'s said her heart & lungs were filled with fluid and it was time to let her go home with hospice to help care for her. Again, my heart sank and I just really felt bad for this family.
So, a couple days ago, I did my usual morning routine after the kids got off to school. Elijah drank a bottle and fell asleep, I sat at my computer, checked my facebook, myspace, emails on both accounts....went back into my favorites and clicked on the newspaper. I immediately noticed one of the top stories "Victoria M. loses her battle with cancer"......My eyes welled with tears, I felt at that moment like I had lost someone I actually knew. A family member or close friend. I thought of Jay, the way he spoke of his wife, how much he loved her, about their kids...what they must be feeling or not feeling, most likely being in shock. I couldn't fathom (and thankful, in my own selfish way, didn't have to) the feelings this family must be going through. She was gone, took her last breath, which, I can only pray for her was pain free. Honestly, even though I read the article, I looked for her obituary, to see when her service would be. There was nothing in the paper, of course not, it was too soon. Give it a day or 2...The next morning, I checked the obit section and there it was. May 17....the day she passed, just 7 days after her 34th birthday. I read the details on the service and felt the lump re-appear, this time even bigger. You see, 12 hours after she took her last breath, her father also passed away. I don't know the details, but because I am human, and humans after all assume....I assume he couldn't handle the thought of his daughter dying (after all, he was 83), maybe he had a heart attack, maybe he was sick...I don't know....but at that moment, reading the obit, a whole lot of emotions overcame me.
This family is not only suffering, grieving and missing a wife, mother, daughter...but a father in law, grandfather & husband. How sad, how tragic.....
Today, after picking up my high schooler, I had to run a few errands. As we went to the store, then the bank, we had to pass the church where the service for both daughter and father was being held. Two hearse, parked in front of the church, they were in the process of taking the second casket out. People surrounding both, hugging, crying, talking....It was that instant that I realized it wasn't just an article or sad story I read. It was real, it was sad, no, heart wrenching. We passed and I traveled on to pick up my little ones at school, tears streaming down my face, the road blurry, my oldest in her own thoughts and teary eyed as well.....
I parked in front of the school as usual, but this time, I slid the drivers seat back to where I could see my son, who in just 3 days will be 7 months. Such a big boy, smiling, laughing at the faces I was making at him...Just he and I, as Britt walked to the entrance to pick up her sisters and cousin....I thanked God for the gifts of my children and asked he allow me to see them fully grow up. To allow them the peace of not losing a parent at a young age and if it did happen that I were to go before they were grown, to please, let them know how much I loved them. To leave a legacy that when I spoke of my kids, how my face would light up, my voice would pour out the love I have for them and that it was never questioned how much I loved them. They are my life and I hope they always know it.
With all of that being said, just as Jay spoke of his wife, I just know she spoke of her children the same way....Just by the words I heard that December day, forever having ink embedded into my skin...that family radiated love for one another, in action, words and feelings. Rest in Peace Victoria and Frank (her daddy)...for not knowing you, you sure have left an impression on how love is supposed to be.....
You see, Jay (the tattoo guy), my husband & I were talking while he was preparing to do a butterfly on the top of my foot, about family, kids...blah blah blah...He said he and his wife Victoria had 2 kids, a boy and a girl. They had been together for like 17 years, since she was 13 & he was 16. Nobody thought they would make it....He spoke with such love, such adoration, so much emotion....then he said his wife was dying from stage 4 lymphoma. She had went into remission, but it came back even stronger. They had been looking for bone marrow donors, but couldn't afford the transplant and he was praying for a miracle. OK, that in itself broke my heart. I couldn't even imagine how he felt. At the same time, my Aunt was dying from breast cancer which had spread to her brain (which the brain cancer is what ultimately took her life in January 2009), but I couldn't compare the love of a spouse to the love for an Aunt ya know? But over the last year and a half, I'd run into Jay here and there, he was always so polite and friendly. Not long ago, around Christmas, I ran into him at Rite-Aid, we both went to the photo counter to pay for our purchases, he first. As he turned around, he looked tired, sad...troubled...he smiled and said "hi", I did the same back. Then, I asked how his wife was doing. The smile slowly faded to an almost quivering lip, he stated she wasn't doing good and the Dr. thought she only had a few months to live. I told him, "I'm so sorry" and felt a lump in my own throat bigger than Mount Shasta. Had he been a good friend, I would have given him a hug, just because he looked like he could really use one..But, I didn't..I just told him I'd keep his family in prayer and we went our separate ways.
Fast forward to last week. I normally go online daily and read our local newspaper every morning. So, without missing a beat, I signed on, went to the papers online paper, and on the front there was an article "Victoria coming home as cancer takes control"...immediately, I felt like I did that day at Rite-Aid...couldn't swallow my coffee and felt the urge to cry...Call me emotional, but this family really struck a cord with me! I read the article, apparently she had been in and out of different hospitals, but the Dr.'s said her heart & lungs were filled with fluid and it was time to let her go home with hospice to help care for her. Again, my heart sank and I just really felt bad for this family.
So, a couple days ago, I did my usual morning routine after the kids got off to school. Elijah drank a bottle and fell asleep, I sat at my computer, checked my facebook, myspace, emails on both accounts....went back into my favorites and clicked on the newspaper. I immediately noticed one of the top stories "Victoria M. loses her battle with cancer"......My eyes welled with tears, I felt at that moment like I had lost someone I actually knew. A family member or close friend. I thought of Jay, the way he spoke of his wife, how much he loved her, about their kids...what they must be feeling or not feeling, most likely being in shock. I couldn't fathom (and thankful, in my own selfish way, didn't have to) the feelings this family must be going through. She was gone, took her last breath, which, I can only pray for her was pain free. Honestly, even though I read the article, I looked for her obituary, to see when her service would be. There was nothing in the paper, of course not, it was too soon. Give it a day or 2...The next morning, I checked the obit section and there it was. May 17....the day she passed, just 7 days after her 34th birthday. I read the details on the service and felt the lump re-appear, this time even bigger. You see, 12 hours after she took her last breath, her father also passed away. I don't know the details, but because I am human, and humans after all assume....I assume he couldn't handle the thought of his daughter dying (after all, he was 83), maybe he had a heart attack, maybe he was sick...I don't know....but at that moment, reading the obit, a whole lot of emotions overcame me.
This family is not only suffering, grieving and missing a wife, mother, daughter...but a father in law, grandfather & husband. How sad, how tragic.....
Today, after picking up my high schooler, I had to run a few errands. As we went to the store, then the bank, we had to pass the church where the service for both daughter and father was being held. Two hearse, parked in front of the church, they were in the process of taking the second casket out. People surrounding both, hugging, crying, talking....It was that instant that I realized it wasn't just an article or sad story I read. It was real, it was sad, no, heart wrenching. We passed and I traveled on to pick up my little ones at school, tears streaming down my face, the road blurry, my oldest in her own thoughts and teary eyed as well.....
I parked in front of the school as usual, but this time, I slid the drivers seat back to where I could see my son, who in just 3 days will be 7 months. Such a big boy, smiling, laughing at the faces I was making at him...Just he and I, as Britt walked to the entrance to pick up her sisters and cousin....I thanked God for the gifts of my children and asked he allow me to see them fully grow up. To allow them the peace of not losing a parent at a young age and if it did happen that I were to go before they were grown, to please, let them know how much I loved them. To leave a legacy that when I spoke of my kids, how my face would light up, my voice would pour out the love I have for them and that it was never questioned how much I loved them. They are my life and I hope they always know it.
With all of that being said, just as Jay spoke of his wife, I just know she spoke of her children the same way....Just by the words I heard that December day, forever having ink embedded into my skin...that family radiated love for one another, in action, words and feelings. Rest in Peace Victoria and Frank (her daddy)...for not knowing you, you sure have left an impression on how love is supposed to be.....
Monday, May 17, 2010
10 Years.....
What a first to "blog" about....but it's sentimental to me! Today is the 10 year anniversary of when Danny and I first "went out"...It's actually funny because back then, I never imagined it leading us to where we are today. Not only is today our 10 year anniversary of being together, it is also our 7 year wedding anniversary. Yes, 7 years ago we "got hitched". Our lives have changed so much, can't complain at all.
The first years were the hardest, living with an drug addict is not an easy life. Financially it took its toll of course, but there was abuse beyond measure. Why I stayed, I honestly don't know. Partially scared to leave, Maybe the kids.. I had Brittany from a previous, he had D who lives with her mom & then "we" had Dominique prior to getting married and I was about 4 months pregnant with Mariah when we did get married. The drug use played the bigged part in the abuse. Domestic Violence is not something anyone should ever experience, but sadly, it does exist, it is real and it sucks! My story is not "A-typical" though. My story has a happy ending (so far), my marriage became stronger, I did not end up in the hospital or worse, the morgue. My husband broke his abusive behavior and has now been sober for almost 4 years!
How did my life go from abuse to loving? I finally had enough and left. After being married for only 3 years, I couldn't take it any longer, I took the girls, packed my van with a few clothes for the kids, grabbed what I needed and left my husband. I called my own mother who picked up the girls and took them to her house 300 or so miles away and believe me she was skeptical, so many times I said I was done, even sitting there with a black eye and consussion, only to take the monster back. But I didn't take him back (yet). After my mom took my girls, I was able to grab photo albums and the rest of our clothes, all the while He begged me to stay, he pleaded on the phone for me to come back, even with other females in my house...yes, he had numerous females staying there when I left, even answering my phone. Well, I guess since I left, it was no longer mine but you know it was...my material possessions were still there, though I'd never get them back! He hit rock bottom and everything went to the dealer, the skanks...(oops, did I really just say that?? lol) who filtered through what they wanted, could sale for a quick buck or trade for a little bit of dope. For awhile I let that bother me to the core, I felt violated once again, my possessions that I worked hard for, gone...but you know what? That was the best thing I could have done...not given a crap at that time and left the way I did. For Danny to hit rock bottom as quick as he did (2 months to the day of us leaving he was arrested!), he had no clue what day it was, he was spent, tweaked out...whatever you want to call it he was toast....but it was a HUGE blessing in disquise.
He joined a support group, took Anger Management classes and manned up! May 22 will be 4 years of sobriety, which I praise God for. Sure, we have our arguments, what couples don't? But, I can 100% honestly say, there is no more abuse. Not mental, emotional, physical...nothing....We separated for alittle over a year and had I not left, who knows where we'd be or how life would be going right now, but I can say I am so Thankful the Lord showed his faithfulness and guided me through the darkest storm of my life! He tore us down to build us up, to make us a husband and wife, father and mother. Not just the titles, anyone can say this is my wife...but to say it with pride and the love I see in his eyes today, I now know he truely loves me, as I do him (I'd have to, sheesh...to stay without love woulda been nuts!)...AS for the "father and mother" titles, those too can be a joke, so many say they are a father, but any male can be a sperm donor! Just as any female can be a surrogate! But to show your children what love is, to teach them, be there for them, give them stability and happiness, that is what parents are about, that is what we as a "family" are about.
You know, this is something I believe whole heartedly, having 3 of my own daughters that I love beyond measure and a step daughter who holds a very special place in my heart just as my own girls do, I longed for a son. Honestly, I wanted a son for a VERY long time. Having 6 miscarriages, I thought I could only carry girls, sounds silly, but I honestly believe those miscarriages were boys....Once we changed our lives, I became pregnant again, this time, we finally had our son. Elijah,"OUR" son, my boy... ahhh, what can I say? I am smitten to the core, in love and love being his mommy! Danny wanted a son to carry on his name, just as any man does. But through all the girls, the miscarriages, the BS, it wasn't until he changed...I honestly feel like not only is he a gift, he is our reward for doing good. I am getting older, our girls were 15, 11, 7 & 5 when I found out I was pregnant, and add 1 to their ages when he was born. That's a lot of years in between to start over, infact I pretty much was finished having anymore babies, after Mariah, they were supposed to tie my tubes and the Dr. office never sent the hospital the consent, then I just never went through with it....When they say things happen for a reason, I firmly believe it now!
Well, I am sure this post has been all over the place, it's been a LONG weekend, but a good one. I am alive, breathing, blessed with my kids, celebrating 10 years of being together and all the wonderful changes life has allowed us to go through. Would I recommend to another woman to stay in an abusive relationship? No way! No matter how much you love someone, they have to want to change, and only they can change themselves....as I said, my story is not "A-typical", I was a fortunate and lucky woman to have it work out the way it has. Would I do it all again? Well, yes and no....I would've left alot sooner! But yes, to be where we are today, to be able to share the love we have today in a positive manner, absolutely....I love you Danny, today, tomorrow and for eternity....At Last!
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